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What were Brian Cant's last words before he died?

"I used to do it, but now I cant!"

We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read, "It's a bumpy road but soon you will have a straight path." People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor.

I go in to get a prostate exam. I'm nervous, but the doctor says it's all natural and needs to be done.

So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside, feeling for abnormalities.

That's when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.

Paddy's beautiful wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 years they have been married.

The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex, and a cool breeze may help.

Being a bit of a cheapo, he decides not to buy a fan but asks his friend Mick to waft a towel over them during the act.

After half an hour, still no sign of success, so his mate suggests swapping places. "I'll have a try, Paddy, you waft the towel."

Paddy agrees, and after two or three minutes, Paddy's wife has a moment of sexual pleasure, screaming in ecstasy for the first time in 15 years.

Paddy taps his mate Mick on the shoulder and says, "And that, Mick, is how you waft a bloody towel!"

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    • Two TV antennas got married. The church ceremony was terrible, but the reception was fantastic!

    You're American when you go in the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, but what are you when you are still in the bathroom? European (you're-a-peein').

    I don't know if this is a joke or a question, but:

    If killing yourself sends you to hell, where does sitting in the waiting room get you?

    Friend 1: I HATE YOU!

    Friend 2: *cries* b-but i-i didn't s-say that!!

    Friend 3: *writes on paper with pencil cuz is so bored*

    Me: *points at pencil lead* NOW NOW NOW THIS HAS *LEAD* TO SOME SERIOUS FRIENDSHIP LOSS! Plz shut up.

    All my friends: *groan at horrible pun*

    A man needs to leave for a lengthy business trip, but his wife is saddened by this. She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine.

    He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special. The cashier quietly pulls out an old box and removes a wooden penis from inside. The cashier states that the dildo has been passed down in his family for generations and was crafted by a witch deep within the Amazon jungle. The cashier sits up in his chair and shouts, “Voodoo Dick, the door!”

    The wooden penis flies across the room and begins to rapidly thrust itself in and out of the front door keyhole. “Voodoo Dick, the lamp!” The wooden penis flies up inside of the lamp on the cashier’s desk and, once again, begins to thrust in and out. “Voodoo Dick, return to your box!” The wooden penis flies back into the box, and the cashier closes the lid.

    The man chooses to buy the wooden penis, and just as he is about to leave, the cashier tells him a very important bit of information regarding the Voodoo Dick: “The cursed dildo can only be controlled through verbal commands, it is far too powerful to be moved by hand,” says the cashier. “You must never forget that!”

    The man nods and heads home.

    Later that day, the man explains to his wife how the sex toy works, and then leaves for his trip.

    A few days later, the wife becomes very horny and opens up the box. She proceeds to shout, “Voodoo Dick, my pussy!” The dildo zooms into her vagina and pleasures her for roughly 6-8 hours. She soon begins to grow tired and attempts to pull the dildo out of her. She pulls as hard as she can but just can’t get it out. The wife panics and begins driving to the hospital with the wooden penis still inside of her vagina. A police officer pulls her over for speeding and asks to see some identification. The wife exclaims, “Help, help, there is a Voodoo Dick inside of my vagina and it won’t come out!”

    The officer raises an eyebrow in disbelief.

    “Voodoo Dick my ass, bitch.”

    Two men are hunting. One asks: "Did you ever hunt bear?" The other one answers: "No, but one time I went fishing in my shorts."

    A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.

    A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!

    Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."

    My boyfriend entered a retarded contest, but they said no because they don’t allow perfectionists.

    A man awakes in a hospital and is confused. He decides to feel his legs, but to no avail.

    "Doctor, doctor!" He cries out.

    "What is it?" The doctor asks.

    "I can't feel my legs!"

    The doctor stands there for a moment - completely dumbfounded.

    ". . . That's because I amputated your arms."

    How do you know you’ve been robbed by an Asian?

    The house is clean, the homework is done, but the idiot is having trouble backing out of the driveway.

    One hot day a cow wanted some shade.

    He found a tree and started resting under it, but there was a chicken bothering him. The cow exclaimed, "Moooove!" The chicken didn't move. Again, "Moooove!" and still the chicken wouldn't move. The cow yelled, "MOOOOOVE!" The chicken turned around and said, "FUCKOFF."