Bringing Jokes

Where do you bring a canoe that doesn’t feel good?... the boat dock

Why did the rapper bring a map to the concert?

To find his way to the top of the CHARTS

Me: I wouldn’t want to be with a shitmate. Shitmate: you’re so shitable . Me: Bring banana ice cream. Shitmate: never happening.

Why did the rapper bring a dictionary to the party?

So he could drop some WORDPLAY

My kids so dam bad.we took them to Disney in Florida.they paid me not to bring them back ever.

Why did the rapper bring a suitcase to the studio?

Because he was packing his RHYME BOOKS

What is the difference between the human rights act and the rights of the earth human and the earth earth is a good earth 🌎 was that what time do for dinner 🍽 night night love 💗 night night fun day and dinner 🍴 night night fun day home 🏡 night is it a great 👍 home 🏡 was the day I love 💕

why did the astronaut bring the seeds to space. because he wants to planet the seed🤣🤣🤣

Here in I hop, we serve pancakes not pie cakes if so we can always bring in a chart that will Power the customer, his smile will remain at its current form, and police surely resisted when I said the word surely.

I apologize if those jokes didn't meet your expectations. Humor can be subjective, and different people have different tastes when it comes to jokes. I'll try my best to share a few more jokes with you:

Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything! What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta! Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts! What did one hat say to the other hat? You stay here, I'll go on ahead! Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field! How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together! Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they'd be called bagels! What did one wall say to the other wall? I'll meet you at the corner! Why don't eggs tell jokes? They might crack up! What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear! I hope these bring a bit more amusement. Let me know if there's anything else I can assist you with!

In the beginning of the 20th century, a young girl called Edit left her home country of Sweden, and crossed the Ocean to make a new life in America. Unfortunately, it did not go all that well, and she found herself soon homeless, begging for food or money to survive.

She used to occupy a street next to a theater; not because it meant hefty handouts, but because it was a place where no other beggars or police bothered her; every night, a new crowd came to see a show, and the cute young girl found just enough mercy to survive. In fact, she did so well, that she decided to afford herself a small piece of cake every tuesday - just to keep her spirits up.

One tuesday, she could not get a break. Looked like she will go without cake this week. Then, a strange looking gentleman stopped near her. He soon heard her story, and decided to share his fortune.

Gentleman: I work as a magician in the touring show - today we performed here. Some nights, our guests want to gamble with us afterwards, and I make sure to bring home more than I came with. I try to keep it moderate - but today, this obnoxious drunk was loaded, so I emptied his pockets. Here, take this precious coin.

Madden Whiffen, a curious soul, With an appetite beyond control, A bottomless pit, never satisfied, Ingesting all that's placed beside.

From dawn till dusk, he feasts his way, Devouring meals without delay, With gusto he consumes, without restrain, Every morsel, every crumb, he'll obtain.

No dish too large, no portion too small, His hunger insatiable, devouring it all, From succulent meats to delicate greens, He relishes the flavors, savoring each scene.

A culinary adventure, forever he embarks, Sampling cuisines from all walks and arcs, From street food to gourmet, he seeks it all, His palate an explorer, on a constant sprawl.

He savors the spices, the textures, the taste, In a gastronomic journey, no time to waste, For Madden Whiffen, the food is his muse, A symphony of flavors, he'll never refuse.

But caution, dear friends, in this feeding spree, For gluttony can lead to a troublesome plea, Madden Whiffen, beware the consequences, For overindulgence brings no recompenses.

In the realm of cuisine, he reigns supreme, A legend of eating, a man of extreme, Madden Whiffen, the one who eats it all, In his gastronomic pursuit, he stands tall.

So let us marvel at his voracious might, As he devours dishes, day and night, For in Madden Whiffen, we witness the feat, A man who eats everything, a culinary elite.

Your grandmother died cuz she fell on the highest floor of the hotel your grandfather died cuz he got shot by saving your mother if he didn't save your mother you wouldn't be here You grew up in a world full of virus you wanted the virus to be gone there's only one way But you have to know it I can't tell it for you Your mother got the Covid-19 you prayed and prayed all night hoping that she would be okay the next day the doctors went to your house without your mother you asked "Where is my mother?!?!" The doctors said "Your mother is gone,so we came here to tell you" the doctors left. Anither hour you were thinking while crying "Why was my pray not working?,Lord why'd you let me down?" You searched on Google "How to bring back the dead" the Google workers declined it.your father left you cuz he loved another girl Your brothers are still with you but what do they get the virus? Who will be with you? Don't forget Jesus is still there for you don't give up keep going and you will succeed soon you will find your own family and beat the coronavirus

In pixels and polygons, a virtual realm unfolds, A battleground where warriors gather, young and old. A game of wits and strategy, a dance of skill and might, Behold the phenomenon, the world of Fortnite.

What is Fortnite, you ask, this digital sensation? A realm where dreams are forged, in endless animation. A world of endless possibilities, where heroes rise and fall, A tapestry of triumph, where victory calls.

From humble beginnings, a storm begins to brew, A hundred souls drop down, with dreams anew. An island vast and varied, a landscape to explore, From verdant meadows to urban cities, the battles roar.

With pickaxe in hand, we gather resources with haste, Wood, metal, and stone, the foundation of our base. We build and we craft, constructing our fort, A fortress of defense, where enemies are fought.

The storm looms ever closer, a force we can't deny, Pushing us closer together, as time quickly flies. We strategize and plan, our tactics ever shifting, In this ever-shrinking world, our spirits uplifting.

Weapons and loot, scattered throughout the land, We arm ourselves with firepower, take our final stand. Shotguns, rifles, explosives, and more, In this game of survival, we even the score.

But Fortnite is more than just a battle royale, A canvas for creativity, where imaginations set sail. From creative mode to party royale, a world of endless fun, With friends and strangers, united as one.

Yet amidst the chaos, let's not forget, Fortnite is but a game, a virtual vignette. For beyond the pixels and the storms that rage, Lies a world that beckons, beyond the digital stage.

So let us embrace the joy that Fortnite brings, A tapestry of moments, where victory sings. For in this realm of pixels and dreams, Fortnite shines bright, a testament it seems.

So gather your friends, embark on this quest, In the realm of Fortnite, put your skills to the test. For in the end, it's not just about the game we play, But the bonds we form, as we dance and slay.

I just got my doctor’s test results and I’m really upset about it. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care. Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera. A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!” As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice. I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden. The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis. Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions. I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere. Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs. A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.” My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her. What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found. I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors. When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted. My husband left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what he’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine! Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person. It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive. Want to know how you make any salad into a Caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times. When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life. My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back. A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?” I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy. The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved. You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo. Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere. What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support. My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister. What did the Titanic say as it sank? I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge! Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.” How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry. I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5. They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline. My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow. I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work. The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted. To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state. I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put down. You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear. What’s the difference between a hipster and a football player? A football player showers. I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page. The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me. Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he’s dead.