Best jokes

Stop making 9/11 jokes, guys! My uncle died in that event. He was the best Arabian pilot in the world!

Jesus is the worst, just joking; he is the best! Best best BFF great guy ever that has a miracle. Jesus comes from Bethlehem! 😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😇

Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?

Because they practice at the best schools.

Q: What's the best part about working at an abortion clinic?

A: You don't have to buy dog food.

Why was the astronaut washing her hands?

She was getting ready to eat launch.

A guy walks into a magical forest looking to cut down a tree. The best one he can find is a magical talking tree. He holds his axe up ready to slice and begins to swing when the tree says, "Stop! I'm a magical tree. You can't cut me." "I'm a magical tree!" the man mocks, then as he goes to swing the axe he says, "You may be a magical tree... But you will dialogue!"

What did Stephen Hawking say—I mean, type—when he saw a beautiful woman?

"That's the best shag I never had."

Do you know the best thing about killing a hooker?

Not only do you get your money back, but the second hour is free.

My grandpa was the best soldier ever. He gunned down over 100 soldiers in his bunker during D-Day.

The best and worst part about being bi:

Best: Double the love, double the fun.

Worst: Double the love, double the loneliness.

I don't like it when people make 9/11 jokes. My dad was in it.

He was the best damn pilot in Saudi Arabia.

Fat girls give the best head because they are hungry and eat the most dick.

I find it best to screw people with memory loss. I mean, what's my grandma gonna do? Describe me to the cops?

Like if your best friend is emo. *repost* or like if you have a best friend.

Once upon a time, Bob was in his hospital bed, receiving medical treatment not that far after finding out he had cancer. One day, his friend Jeremy decided to visit him. Jeremy told his best buddy this very inspiring sentence: "Sometimes in life, you and your heart will climb tall peaking mountains, and low flat valleys, and all after that we'll be happy forever in heaven, eventually." Little did Bob know that Jeremy was talking about his heart monitor.

Thomas Montgomery would eat his fillet of fish in bed every night. He had fillet of fish bedding and everything. His roommates always asked him, "Why are you eating your fillet of fish in bed?" He wouldn't reply.

His family took him to the best psychologist in the field. Thomas continued emptying his bank account on fillet of fish to eat in bed. His friend said one day, took a picture of Thomas and told him to say cheese. They laughed and went there separate ways. Then in bed that night, Thomas kept on thinking to himself, "I never said cheese before someone snapped my picture." He repeated it again. The next day he thanked his friend, "Fillet in him feel better."

Couldn't believe how much of a bad mood my work mate was in this morning. So I decided to ask him what was the matter and if everything was OK with his wife, Flo.

He then broke down crying and said when he got home the night before, he caught his wife in bed with the plumber. I tried to console him as best as I could, but he just couldn't get over flow.

Best pick up line EVER.

There is an app on your phone called ringer. Go into it. There is a 12 to 15 digit number. Enter that into my phone, my dick will get 12 to 15 inches longer.

What's the best way to find the Twin Towers?

Bucket.

To my best friend, my brother is like a spider. She chose to kill him straight away. That's why she is my friend, after all!