Best jokes

What’s the best way to get people to remember your birthday? Kill yourself.

A cock really has a sad life. He's hairs a mess, his neighbor's an arsehole, his best friend is a cunt.

A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

What's the best thing about a dead hooker? Refunds.

The good thing about being gay in school is that you can be the best student and still get all the D's.

What’s the best thing about dating an orphan?

You don’t need parental consent.

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Angela Merkel are standing at the shore and are trying to impress each other with the accomplishments of their countries. Putin brags, "We have nuclear submarines which can stay underwater for six weeks without having to resurface!". Trump goes on, "Six weeks? That's nothing. I have the best submarines, they're underwater für at least three months!". Merkel is about to respond, when a giant steel colossus emerges from the sea. A hatch opens, a black uniform appears - "Heil Hitler! We need Diesel."

What's the best part of being a pedophile? You will never have a wife.

What’s the best part about having sex with a pregnant woman?

You can have sex and a blow job at the same time.

My best friend ran away with my wife. I really miss him.

What's the best thing about dating a blind chick?

She can't identify you.

1: I wish my cancer could kill me quicker so I don't have to do this class anymore.

2: I'm dying, finally.

3: I'm sorry, I can't go to your party because I'm expected to be dead by then.

On a serious note, I might actually have cancer and I'm getting checks. I hope for the best :/

What kind of man would be a lesbian's best friend? A decimen.

A project manager, a mechanical engineer, and a computer scientist are on a road trip through the mountains. As they're going down a pass, the brakes suddenly fail. The car goes off the road and crashes down into the valley. A bit dazed, the three of them get out.

The project manager says, "Well, the best thing to do is to have a meeting and assess the situation."

The mechanical engineer replies, "Nonsense, I have my pocketknife, I'll fix the brakes with that."

Then the computer scientist comes along and says, "Why make it so complicated? Let's push the car back up the road, get in, and see if it happens again."

Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to.

Unless you are in prison.

Quote for the day.

I looked this quote up, but it really is a good thing, just for starters.

"Sometimes you will never know the VALUE of a moment until it becomes a MEMORY."

Also, loving is so much more to give instead! Always remember to love!!! Best-Gwen :)

What is the best type of girl to fuck?

Homeless girls, because after, you can drop them off anywhere.

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting "9"!

That’s the best I’ve done so far.

What’s the best thing about making out with dead girls?

They can’t say no.

When you find out your wife had a miscarriage,

So you start singing "It’s the best day ever!"