Best jokes
What's the best part of a vegetable? The wheelchair.
Where's the best place to spawn camp at the hospital?
The maternity ward.
What’s the best part about fucking a dead bitch?
You don’t need consent.
What's the best thing about 23 year olds? There are twenty of them.
How were Stephen Hawking's best mates, Siri and Google?
A man finds out his wife is cheating on him with his best friend, so he hires a hitman to shoot his wife in the head, and his friend in the balls. The hitman charges $100 per bullet. The man agrees.
Later, they set up, and the hitman looks through the scope and says, “I can save you $100!”
My best friend was recently gunned down in a drive-by shooting and died a virgin, but he wasn’t buried one.
Kid 1: Guys, stop making 9/11 jokes. My dad died in 9/11.
Kid 2: Sorry, I didn't know.
Kid 1: He was the best fighter pilot in all of Saudi Arabia.
My dad died in 9/11. At least he did what he loves best: flying planes.
Are your forehead and your hairline best friends because they look like they go way back?
Why is the wheel the best invention?
Because it's wheely wheely great!
The best way to tell a Hindu person and a Muslim person apart is asking them:
"Are you 7-Eleven or 9/11?"
What's America's best class?
Gun 101.
The best part about Poland 🇵🇱 is that the police lights are different.
Nun's worst holiday? Norfolk.
Nun's best holiday? Bangkok.
The other day I commented a dark humor joke on a post about a guy who lost his best friend. The joke was “I was so drunk last night I threw a mushroom at a midget and said ‘grow mario grow.’” He commented “What the hell is wrong with you?” and I said “IKR I really gotta work on my alcoholic issues.”
He then replied “This is a post about my dead best friend get the fuck off my feed I don’t even know you.” And so I said “Well then get to know me, I could become your new best friend!”
My dad died in the attacks. He was the best pilot for Pakistan.
Can't wait to meet you!
So join the Depression family!
We open real soon!
Try best to hold onto sanity!
A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick.
The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."
Next the co-pilot makes his way to the plane, and he is also blind and uses his walking stick to make it to the cabin.
The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the co-pilot is also blind, but rest assured, he is the second-best pilot in the world with over five thousand successful flights."
At this point, the plane begins to take off from the runway. As it gains speed, the passengers grow tenser. The plane keeps accelerating more and more, and as it approaches the end of the runway, it still hasn't left the ground. The plane is approaching the end of the runway at high speed, and the passengers scream, "Oh my God, we're all going to die!"
Suddenly, the plane takes off and begins its ascent.
The pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, "The day they stop screaming, we're screwed."
What's the best way to get ten babies in a bowl?
A blender.
What's the best way to get them out?
A blender.