Being jokes

What are four ways a condom is like a Republican elephant?

1. It stands for inflation.

2. It limits production.

3. It encourages cooperation.

4. It gives you a feeling of security even though you know you're being screwed.

I want to be like pizza so I can get cut into 8 pieces.

I asked a girl I met if I could take her out to dinner.

The joke is I knew right after she said, "I'll call you," she was lying to me, not surprised even a little.

The next joke was a part of me hoped she would call, but did I really think she was going to? I'll never be good enough for anyone, what was I thinking, why did I even bother to ask her in the first place? I think it was just to prove I was right, I'm unwanted.

LONELINESS EQUALS SADNESS.

Why can't LGBTQ+ members be straight? Because they are LGBTQ, they are losers.

If Jesus had a gun, what would it be? A nail gun.

Why can't orphans be gay?

Because they don't have anyone to call them "daddy."

Why can't an orphan be gay? Because they have no one to call "daddy."

Kid: Imagine being an orphan!

Parents: Look who's talking, not you 'cause you ain't got no one to talk to! *vanishes*

Kid: WAIT, WHAT!

Yo mama so black, when God saw her, he said, "Let there be light!" but twice.

One tonsil said to the other tonsil, “We must be in San Juan Capistrano, here comes another swallow.”

A 7-foot-tall man walks into a restaurant with his 4-foot-tall girlfriend, and the maitre d' says to the waiter, “He must be nuts over her.”

Cemeteries should be built next to orphanages, so the orphans can see their parents.

You're so fat that you're gonna be my next hamburger for dinner and the next In-N-Out, just like your parents.

Despite Michael Jackson’s legal problems while he was alive, McDonald’s is still going to honor his life achievements in the music industry by naming a sandwich after him.

They’re going to call it the McMichael! It’s going to be a fifty year old piece of meat pressed between two eight year old buns.

I rang my boss and said, "I’m really sick. I won’t be coming into work." My boss said, "Davo, you're sick again! Really! Just how sick are you now?" I replied, "Well, I’m in bed with my sister!"

A man walks up to Lil Johnny one day and asks, "If you had one wish, but that wish will be granted to everyone on Earth... what would it be?"

So Lil Johnny thinks real hard and long, then said, "Well, I would wish for me to shit myself."

The man is shocked and asks why, and Lil Johnny replies, "Well, I would be on the toilet. I think everyone else would just be confused!"

Why did a girl like bananas?

Because one day she might need to be ready.

Why can't orphans be gay?

Because they have no one to call daddy.

Someone: "I WANNA BE THE SUN OF YOUR LIFE!"

Me: Then stay at 1,000,000 km of me.

Be careful around fire, plastic melts.