Baby

Baby Jokes

Stork

I was watching a documentary about how storks carry babies from their previous life to the next.

In his old life, Michael Jackson must’ve been a teddy bear. The storks let him play with kids for a change.

Stroll

Baby: Stroll?

Me: *puts baby in stroller* WE'RE GOING ON A STROLL!

Baby: *happily screams*

Stroller: *front wheels break off*

Me: WE'RE GOING ON A STROLL WITH NO FRONT WHEELS!

Baby: Oka- CRASH!

Car

How do you take care of all the babies you just crushed with your car?

Open a pizza shop 🍕

Woman

Women say their baby daddies are trash like... woman, didn't he impregnate you and didn't he win your heart? I mean, he's not trash, you are!

Crime

When babies kick their mother, it's okay, but when I do it, it's a crime...

Doctor

When you were born, you were so ugly that the doctors slapped your parents!

Woman

Why can't women just shut the fuck up! I hate women. They need to know their place and stay in the kitchen and be baby makers...

Tree

What is worse than ten dead babies nailed to a tree? One dead baby nailed to ten trees.

Bible

Did you know the Bible has a passage about killing babies by smashing them against rocks?

That's probably because microwaves hadn't been invented yet.

Johnny

Little Johnny ran into the kitchen and asked his mother, "Mom, can little girls have babies?" His mom answered, "Of course not." A few minutes later, his mom heard him shout to his friend, "It's okay, we can keep playing!"

Reproduction

So.. err actually, don’t worry. I was gonna make a joke about dead babies, but I had to abort.

Parent

Why did the Asian parents have an Asian baby?

Two wongs don't make a white.

Litter

I'm still not sure how I'm not in jail or have been fined for littering. When I was born, I was born in a hospital trash can, therefore making me a literal piece of trash. That being said, any time I'm out in public, I'm a piece of litter.

Dick

What's the difference between limbs of babies and a dick?

I've never sucked on dicks.