Anxiety jokes

I'm such a perfectionist that I can't even fail an autism test.

Two friends are in a hospital lobby. Friend 2 notices Friend 1 crying.

Friend 1: "*crying hysterically*"

Friend 2: "Why are you crying?"

Friend 1: "I came here for a blood test."

Friend 2: "So? Are you afraid?"

Friend 1: "No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."

Friend 2: "*crying hysterically*"

Friend 1: "Why are you crying?"

Friend 2: "I came here for a urine test."

Did you know that you can die from laughing? Well, that’s why I laugh so much.

After a suicide joke say, "Don't leave me hanging, or I'll cut it out."

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and shivers?

A nervous wreck.

My friends were worried that I was making suicide jokes so much, so I said, "Don't worry, you won't have to hear them much longer."

I'm all panic and no disco.

Me: "WYD?"

Her: "Just dealing with a lot: depression, anxiety, and the feeling that I'll never be enough."

Me: "Without me? Lol"

I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t feel like screaming.

Drinking coffee when you're anxious is about as effective as using gasoline to put out a fire, but slurp slurp guess who's an anxious bitch who never learns.

Friend: How's it going?

Me: Good, things are good!

Parent: How are you?

Me: Oh, I'm fine!

Twitter: Compose new tweet?

Me: Hellooooo, I would like to tell you about my anxiety & my current greatest fears & let's talk about the impending apocalypse while we're at it.

What's overcrowded and uncomfortable?

My mind.

Patient: Sorry I'm so nervous, this is my first surgery.

Doctor: Oh, don't worry, mine too!

I be ready to commit suicide.

But when it comes to jumping out my window, I'm scared ash.

Somebody asked me, "What's that on your arm?" I just said, "My cats got OCD."

Evan

I hope you never find out whether that pressure in your ass is a fart or a shit.

My worst fear is being trapped in a lift with a man who is confident he can fix it.

You know what really gets me under my skin when I'm down? Sharpener blades.

"Don't worry! Life goes on."

"Yeah, that's what's had me worried."