ANS jokes
What do you call an octopus whose father left?
An octopie.
What's an old man's favorite food?
Wrinkled onions.
Why do you need an AR-15?
So my son can use it if he's being bullied at school.
Trump and two of his friends are stranded on an island with no internet connection and no way of getting home. As they frantically run around the island trying to get a signal so Trump can call his private helicopter to come and pick them up, Trump’s wig falls off and lands on a magical lamp, from which suddenly appears a genie. As Trump replaces his wig, the genie announces that he will grant each man one wish for freeing him.
The men stop to confer. The first one says he will wish for a plane to rescue him, the second wishes for a boat to rescue him and they tell Trump to wish for a helicopter to rescue him. Trump, being Trump, nods and says yes, but he wasn’t really listening. Then they approach the genie. The first one of Trump’s friends wishes for a plane to rescue him, as agreed. The second one of Trump’s friends wishes for a boat to rescue him, as agreed. Then Trump is left all alone, but instead of wishing for a helicopter to rescue him, as agreed, he says, “Aww, I’m lonely now. I wish both my friends were here with me!”
Why would an orphan be a good Spider-Man?
Because his parents will be far from home.
What game can an emo play on their wrists without an ink pen?
Tic-tac-toe.
I had a dream of swimming in an ocean of orange soda. I guess it is just a FANTAsea.
I don't want to date an alien.
What's the difference between an apple and a child?
The apple gets picked.
Two guys are on a plane. One of the guys' name is Jack. The other is Peter.
Peter: "Hi Jack."
Flight Attendant: "You're going to hijack the plane?!?"
Jack: "No, my name is Ja-"
Flight Attendant: "Everybody stay calm! These two men are going to hijack the plane!"
Jack: "No, no. My name is Jack and my friend here is an idiot."
What's the difference between an apple and an orphan? One is always picked.
What do you call an orphan's family photo?
A selfie.
An orphanage is like a horse rescue. You rescue them, rehabilitate them, then sell them for as much as possible.
I have an exam next week, so I called my ex and asked if she had any cheating tips.
Back in my day, the chicken dance was where the hen got raped by an angry pack of roosters.
Bro's chin looks like it's from that movie cartoon named Kronk. No wonder he got stung by a bee and took an ibuprofen to reduce the pain, but instead it grew longer.
I know you don't like me, and that implies you need better taste.
I'm not an astronomer, but I'm pretty sure the Earth revolves around the sun... not you.
I'd give you a nasty look, but it seems like you've already got one.
Your birth certificate should be rewritten as a letter of apology.
You haven't changed since the last time I saw you. You really should.
A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best b*tch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day.”
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. “And you, Susie?” the teacher asks. Susie says “I wanna be Johnny’s b*tch.”
Why do most guns in America have an average mag/clip size of only 30?
Because that's the average class size in America.
What is the difference between an ISIS training camp and a school?
Don't ask me, I just fly the drone.