Three men die the same time and I'll go to heaven to go find St Peter St Peter says to them is going to be a long journey to heaven so I will give you a good vehicle depending on how much you've cheated on your wives we'll start with you Michael since you were quite the womanizer you and cheating on your on your wife multiple times you will be getting a Toyota the man embarrassed left in the Toyota Nolan you you were better you cheated on your wife twice so I will give you a Mercedes now for now as for you mark you never cheated on your wife you are an absolute saint so I will be giving you a Lamborghini and the Man in the Toyota saw the man with the Lamborghini the next day crying like a child on his car and he and the Man in the Toyota what the hell is going on and the Man in the Lamborghini says I was through streets of Heaven and so my wife riding in roller skates
So I bus crashes killing everyone on the bus and god feels so bad that he gives each one a wish so the first person comes up and she wants to be beautiful so god makes her beautiful and she goes into heaven next person comes up and he says I want to be beautiful as well as the last man in the back begins laughing a little so this goes on everyone becoming beautiful until god asked the last person what they want and he said I want everyone in front of me to be ugly again! so god had to call the based department and gave him everything that last guy wanted
I'm not sure how I'm going to get to heaven. God had not built a ramp yet......or an escalator.
My mom said my sister was an angel but when i threw her out the window she didnt fly
WHY DID GOD MAKE THE DEVILS DIE...
god is great
God- make a grumpy old man president Angel-why g-cause I said so-name him trump a-okay G-make him not pay taxes a-okay... Fast forwrd to 2020 G- you know that grumpy old man a-yea... G-make him create a deadly virus named after a beer A- Krona G- exactly A- why do you hate humans so much G- because I can.
Games are fun
How many dead strippers does it take to change a light.
At least 13 because my basement is still dsrk
you want to her a cheezy pizza joke-never mind its to cheezy hehehehehe
SSSSSSSEEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXXXXX
When Pope Pius (IX.) died, he went to Heaven, knocked at the door, St. Peter opened: "Who are you, what do you want?ā "I am Pope Pius. I want to come to heaven.ā āWhere do you come from?" "Rome." "What do you mean? Rome Massachusetts or Rome New York?" "No, Rome Italy of course." "I'm very sorry, but I do not know you!"
To make sure to not erroneously deny access to an authorised person, Saint Peter takes the telephone, calls up God and asks: "Hello Boss, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?" "What do you mean: Rome Massachusetts or Rome New York?" "No, Rome Italy of course." "No, sorry, I donāt know him."
Saint Peter makes another telephone call and rings up Jesus: "Hello Junior - hereās a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?" "Rome Massachusetts or Rome New York?" "Rome Italy." "No sorry, never heard of."
Saint Peter still does not give up and finally calls up the the Holy Ghost and asks: "Hello Smoky, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome. Do you know him?" "What does he mean, Rome Massachusetts or Rome New York?" "He says Rome Italy." "No sorry, Iām afraid I do not know this guy." But then, after a very short while he continues: "Wait, wait - tell me, is that the guy who invented the damn story about Mary and me?"
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?
"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."
As Iām lying down on the table for a radiation treatment, a small angel lands on one shoulder, a tiny devil on the other shoulder. And then the mind game begins:
Angel: This wonāt last long. You are perfectly lined up. The treatment only lasts a few mins. Remember, stay absolutely still.
Devil: Did she just twitch?
A: No. She didnāt twitch.
D: I think I saw her finger twitch.
A: Well, even if it did, itās her thigh the techs are aiming at.
D: She wants to scratch her face.
A: Stop it! She can handle staying still a few minutes.
D: But her cheek has an itchy spot.
A: She can just let it itch. She doesnāt need to scratch every itch. She will just have to think about something else.
D: Wow...that cheek is really itchy...
A: Think about: Flowers. Acrylic painting. Did the trash get picked up this morning? Her grandson Oliverās smile...
D: How about a song?
A: Good idea!
D: How about... āNever going to give you up. Never going to let you down....āš¶
A: OMG! You just Rick-rolled her! Sheās in the middle of a treatment! You know thatās the only part she knows!
D: Thatās okay. Sheāll just repeat the words she knows over and over and over and....
A: Donāt be so mean!
D: āNever going to give you up...š¶ā
A: Stop it!
D: Her toe! Her big toe! Did you see that? She just twitched it!
A: No, she didnāt.
D: I bet it screwed up the test and they have to start over....
A: She didnāt screw anything up!
D: She totally screwed the test up and they were more than halfway done. If they start over at the beginning, she will get too much radiation, and they will end up slicing her whole leg off!
A: Thatās not how it works...
D: Or they just stop all together and she only gets a partial treatment and her tumor wonāt get enough radiation.
A: They know what they are doing!
D: ...And it wonāt shrink the tumor and the whole thing fails. And the doctor will have to amputate her leg.
A: No! No! No! Thatās not how any of this...
D: ...And when they amputate, it will be at the hip and not below the knee because the tumor is in her thigh.
A: Stop this right now!!
D: āNever going to give you up....š¶ā
A: Stop!
D: ā...never going let you down....š¶ā
A: Iām not going to let you...
D: āNever going to give you up...š¶ā .
Techs: Okay. Thatās it, Tammi! We are finished! How are you doing?
Tammi: ...Oh, Iām fine.....
Chocolate rain Some stay dry and others feel the pain Chocolate rain A baby born will die before the sin Chocolate rain The school books say it can't be here again Chocolate rain The prisons make you wonder where it went Chocolate rain Build a tent and say the world is dry Chocolate rain Zoom the camera out and see the lie Chocolate rain Forecast to be falling yesterday Chocolate rain Only in the past is what they say Chocolate rain Raised your neighborhood insurance rates Chocolate rain Makes us happy 'livin in a gate Chocolate rain Made me cross the street the other day Chocolate rain Made you turn your head the other way Chocolate rain History quickly crashing through your veins Chocolate rain Using you to fall back down again Chocolate rain History quickly crashing through your veins Chocolate rain Using you to fall back down again Chocolate rain Seldom mentioned on the radio Chocolate rain It's the fear your leaders call control Chocolate rain Worse than swearing worse than calling names Chocolate rain Say it publicly and you're insane Chocolate rain No one wants to hear about it now Chocolate rain Wish real hard it goes away somehow Chocolate rain Makes the best of friends begin to fight Chocolate rain But did they know each other in the light? Chocolate rain Every February washed away Chocolate rain Stays behind as colors celebrate Chocolate rain The same crime has a higher price to pay Chocolate rain The judge and jury swear it's not the face Chocolate rain History quickly crashing through your veins Chocolate rain Using you to fall back down again Chocolate rain History quickly crashing through your veins Chocolate rain Using you to fall back down again Chocolate rain Dirty secrets of economy Chocolate rain Turns that body into GDP Chocolate rain The bell curve blames the baby's DNA Chocolate rain But test scores are how much the parents make Chocolate rain Flippin' cars in France the other night Chocolate rain Cleans the sewers out beneath Mumbai Chocolate rain 'Cross the world and back it's all the same Chocolate rain Angels cry and shake their heads in shame Chocolate rain Lifts the ark of paradise in sin Chocolate rain Which part do you think you're livin' in? Chocolate rain More than marchin', more than passing law Chocolate rain Remake how we got to where we are Chocolate rain History quickly crashing through your veins Chocolate rain Using you to fall back down again Chocolate rain History quickly crashing through your veins Chocolate rain Using you to fall back down again
My son asked me ā what is angel cake made of?ā I reply by listing the ingredients in mr Kipling angel cakes, Then he shouts āSTOPā I stop as I reach food colourings he slowly crawls towards me and says in a whisper āwell in my angel cake I put angels in themā I freaked out about this so I calmed down and asked who did you put in this angel cake he saidāgrandma the one who died last Saturdayā
My mom's name is Angel and she is nothing like one:) Especially in bed...
my sister was hitting on my boyfriend im 11 shes 9 she said go f.ck ur self so i said : "ok thanks for the idea"
