And jokes

A man shot into a crowd at the train station and didn't hit one person. When the police asked why he missed, someone said, "'Cause he gay."

He couldn't shoot straight.

What’s long and black?

The line at KFC.

What does Michael Jackson and an Xbox have in common?

Kids turn them on.

If you're pan, all you have to do is get a sibling and make them get your parents to the outside of the pantry, and you burst out and then say you're pansexual!

How do you put "blonde" and "duh" in the same sentence? Just say, "Blondes are dumb."

Why would you leave a damn gorilla out in the middle of the parking lot after you let the zookeeper bring a chimpanzee home from the zoo because me and the gorilla had too much to drink?

What's the difference between my dad cumming and cancer?

Nothing, they both stain.

And the children of Israel wandered round the desert for 40 years, until eventually Moses' wife said, "Are you going to ask for directions, or what?"

I had the WORST day ever. My ex was sent to the hospital from a gun, and I got my hunting license removed.

Next time you get a call from anybody, say, "Hi, welcome to Dave's orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?"

Or,

"Hi, welcome to Pizza and Abortion clinic, your loss is our sauce!"

Why are orphans and bananas so much alike? Because they both get split.

My ill sis said, "Why did the bear say no to ice cream?" and I said, "Why?" She said, "'Cuz it's stuffed!"

I tell a man, "Get me a Glock 19." He comes back with a glove. I was about to shout at him, but then I saw a pistol in his pocket, so I left and thanked him.

Knock knock.

Who's there? It's the Grim Reaper.

Grim Reaper who?

The Grim Reaper who is about to come in your house, smoke some weed, drink some Grim Reaper liquor, and then get drunk.

Mom: Son, get up for school.

Son: I AM UP *holds up books and says I'm up* IM UP MOM!

Roses are red, lemons are sour, open your legs and give me an hour.

He: I am 60 and I have to slog 12 hours a day to make a living. Do you call it life?

She: I am 28 and still a virgin, do you call it life?

What do Monica and Bill Clinton have in common? They both did not inhale. Lol.

What is the difference between a tree and when I walk home at night?

What is the difference between snow boots on Earth Day, today, after dinner, and walking home?