And jokes

You know why I have so low IQ? It's because the left side of my brain gets nothing right, and the right side of my brain has nothing left.

What's tall, has a twin, and is in Manhattan?

Nothing, Bin Laden destroyed them all.

What's the similarity between a 14-year-old girl and the fetus inside her?

They're both thinking, "Oh fuck, mom is gonna kill me!"

What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

When you slap a mosquito, it stops sucking you.

What do pigs and ink have in common?

They both go in a pen.

My dad and I were talking and my cat left the room.

So I said, "I guess she wasn't feline it."

My dad said, "You've got to be kitten me, that was purrfect!"

I said, "Literally."

When do you go on red and stop at green?

A watermelon.

I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.

I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."

So a man asked another man, "What's your name?"

He says, "What's it to ya?"

So the guy asked again, "And he says what's it to ya?"

Come to find out his name was What's It To Ya.

A blind man walked into me at a store. I said, "Watch it, bitch!" and he said, "Sorry, I didn't see you there."

What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

Only one of them stops sucking after you slap it.

So, me and my friend dressed as dead people for Halloween. The only difference in the costume was that he was actually dead.

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?

Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.

What is the difference between onions and babies?

I cry when I cut onions.

So you know "The Lion King."

Do you remember Simba?

Well, his dad is really strong, and he walks really fast, but Simba walks really slow.

So I told him to Mufasa.

What do you get when you cross a chicken and a horse?

An animal abuse warrant.

Someone eats glue and tells the other, "Sorry, can't stick around!"

Hi everyone, my mom got me an iPad today, and this is really cool. Can someone tell me what decapitation is?

A man walked into a zoo and there was only one dog.

He came out and said, "It was a shitzu."

What is the difference between an American and an orphan?

They don't have a home to get their guns.