And jokes

What is big, fun, [and] loud?

A school bus 🚌

I did a walk today and had fun. Today, I did not have to go get my kids and get to my new house. 🏠 It was a good day. I had fun. I did a walk today. I had fun today, but I’m going to be at the car 🚘 when I’m at my car. 🚘 What time was your night time? What time did [you go to bed]?

Me and my brother talking about relationships.

Me: We live kind of differently.

Brother: We're sort of alike.

Me: We're not alike.

Brother, because he's taken: 'Cause you don't have a boyfriend!

My thoughts: You're right. 'Cause I have a girlfriend!

What is the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg, but you can't beat your...

If you're sleeping, and you fall in your dream, you may have died, and the angels dropped you.

Or you don't wake up, and you were on your way to hell.

Hi, how are you? Busy, busy today and tomorrow. I have to go home from home and walk home. Walk and a bike. Walk, walk, and a bike to school tomorrow night. I have to have lunch with my mom and dad, and I have dinner with you tonight.

Why is the day you do laundry, cook, clean, iron, and so on called a day off?

There was once a dark room with a dark light and a terrible electrician.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

What’s the difference between an egg and a wank?

You can beat an egg.

Two girls are at a play and are about to go on the stage.

Ally before the other girl goes on stage: Break a leg!

Rachel: Alright!

On stage, Rachel trips over a stand and breaks her leg.

Rachel calling backstage: I broke my leg!

What do you call a child predator and an illegal immigrant? Alien vs. Predator.

What do you call someone with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

It’s been a terrible day today. My ex got hit by a bus and died.

Not only this, but the council cut my bus driver's permit!

My sis said only garlic and onions can make you cry.

So I threw an orange at her.

Man, I’m so sorry that Stephen Hawking is dead; he was such a good person.

Too bad it’s a staircase to Heaven and not a ramp.

You know why I have so low IQ? It's because the left side of my brain gets nothing right, and the right side of my brain has nothing left.

What's tall, has a twin, and is in Manhattan?

Nothing, Bin Laden destroyed them all.

What's the similarity between a 14-year-old girl and the fetus inside her?

They're both thinking, "Oh fuck, mom is gonna kill me!"

What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

When you slap a mosquito, it stops sucking you.