And jokes

Yo mama so fat that she had to wear a yellow jacket and everyone shouted, "Taxi!"

My Crandall just be smashing more than you ON DA GIRLS, and he was slapping your girl last night harder than WILL at the OSCARS! ;)

What do clothes and emo kids have in common?

They both get hung.

I asked my dad, "Are we there yet?" and he told me, "Don't worry, son, it will be a short ride!"

My mom bought me a car, and she called me an ungrateful b*tch because I sat in my wheelchair the whole time.

Your hairline and my car go Lighting McQueen speed because he never came back with the milk.

This guy came into my library a year ago and borrowed a book named "How to Commit Suicide." He never returned it.

This is true. Today I was at the mall and there was a guy holding a sign that said, "Need money for strippers and weed."

There’s a woman cutting onions when her husband walks in and starts crying. Onions was a good dog.

I gave a gun to a blind person and told them it was a hair dryer.

What's the difference between parents and a boomerang?

The boomerang comes back from the store with milk.

In 1492 Christopher Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

He sat on a rock, tickled his cock, until it turned red, white, and blue!

What’s the difference between apples and orphans? Apples actually get picked.

What's the difference between an orphan and a corpse?

One of them has someone to mourn them.

Two magicians were in a competition. The first one did magic, and the second started counting down, "3, 2," but before he said the last number, he 1.

I broke up with my boyfriend and stole his wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back?

I was spending my holiday in Paris with my gf. As we were walking near the city, a meteor hit and killed my gf.

Forensics did an autopsy on the corpse and concluded that someone missed a pen and hit my gf from the PSG training ground. SHAME ON YOU PESSI FOR RUINING MY LIFE! 🤬😡

So I had an idea: you and a friend go bar (pub (whatever you call it)) hopping and propose to said friend in each one so everyone buys you free drinks and you get drunk and have a great time.

What is orange and sounds like a parrot?

A: A carrot!

Q: How can you spell cold with two letters? A: IC (icy).

Q: What state is surrounded by the most water? A: Hawaii (this is really just a trick riddle).

Q: David's father had three sons: Snap, Crackle, and what's the third son's name? A: David.