And jokes
My parents said to me, "Whenever you say sorry to someone and they say, 'It's okay,' it's really not."
So I said, "Okay."
When I feel ugly, I just look at my brother and get over it.
What's the difference between you and me? You're not strangling a man with a cloak on.
What's the difference between me and my best friends?
At least one of us has a house.
How did Stephen Hawking die?
He rolled away and his charger unplugged.
Memes
What is the difference between a small child and a watermelon?
One I eat on the daily and the other is a watermelon.
A girl named Ranch went to the store and stayed there. Why? Because she was ranched!
What is 14 inches long and starts with D?
A Dookie From GREEN DAY
What's the difference between my dad and milk? There is no difference; they both left.
Who is the most horny and fat ass god?
Kim Jung Un.
If you're reading this, you are Nickel and Gallium......
Ni- ........*something else in between the two halves*................Ga
YOU FUCKING MONKEYS!
There's nothing quite like being told I'm wrong by someone who depends on me for food, clothing, and shelter.
My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
"A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a clinic to donate blood. The rabbit turns to the nurse and says, 'I think I'm a Type-O!'"
I don't want to brag, I finished the puzzle in under a week, and it said 2-4 years on the box.
What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
I’m in a wheelchair and I can do stand-up comedy, oh wait...
What do blind kids and orphans have in common?
Both can't see their parents.
What do Helen Keller and orphans have in common?
Neither of them can see or hear their parents.
It's sad when you sit around waiting for mom to make dinner, and then you realize you are the mom.