And jokes
What was Stephen Hawking's shampoo?
Head and Shoulders.
What do you get if you cross a zebra and a donkey?
Zeedonk.
Confucius say, "Man who sit in church and fart must sit in pew."
9/11 jokes aren’t funny.
They always crash and burn.
What do pigs and ink have in common?
They both go in a pen.
Memes
What's tall, has a twin, and is in Manhattan?
Nothing, Bin Laden destroyed them all.
What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
When you slap a mosquito, it stops sucking you.
You know why I have so low IQ? It's because the left side of my brain gets nothing right, and the right side of my brain has nothing left.
So a man asked another man, "What's your name?"
He says, "What's it to ya?"
So the guy asked again, "And he says what's it to ya?"
Come to find out his name was What's It To Ya.
Why is the day you do laundry, cook, clean, iron, and so on called a day off?
My dad and I were talking and my cat left the room.
So I said, "I guess she wasn't feline it."
My dad said, "You've got to be kitten me, that was purrfect!"
I said, "Literally."
When do you go on red and stop at green?
A watermelon.
I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.
I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."
A blind man walked into me at a store. I said, "Watch it, bitch!" and he said, "Sorry, I didn't see you there."
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
What’s the difference between an egg and a wank?
You can beat an egg.
Man, I’m so sorry that Stephen Hawking is dead; he was such a good person.
Too bad it’s a staircase to Heaven and not a ramp.
What's the similarity between a 14-year-old girl and the fetus inside her?
They're both thinking, "Oh fuck, mom is gonna kill me!"
So you know "The Lion King."
Do you remember Simba?
Well, his dad is really strong, and he walks really fast, but Simba walks really slow.
So I told him to Mufasa.
There was once a dark room with a dark light and a terrible electrician.