And jokes

If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? -- America.

What's the similarity between women and car parking spaces? The good ones are always taken, and sometimes when nobody's looking, you slip in the disabled one.

Why does Mexico never hold the Olympics? Because everyone that can run, jump, and swim is already out of the country.

This chess game against America and England is getting interesting. First, America lost both of its towers, but now England has lost its queen.

Russian, American, and Polish stood by the lake shore.

Russian ran ahead to dive and yelled "vodka" and the lake changed into vodka.

Polish ran ahead to dive and yelled "beer" and the lake changed into beer.

American ran to dive, slipped, and said, "oh shit."

Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"

A man is at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. A few years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”

Did you hear the joke about Helen Keller? Neither did she. Did you see that one coming? Neither did she.

(She's blind and deaf)

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? -- One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

What do gay people and mice have in common?

They both hate pussy cats!

My teacher told me, "You have no idea how powerful this quote is." I looked at her and told her, "You don't know how powerful the shotgun in my bookbag is."

Why did Wi-Fi and the computer get married?

Because they had a connection.

What's the difference between you and Hitler?

Hitler knew when to kill himself.

A man looks at his friend and says, "If you and a friend go camping and you two get really drunk, and in the morning you wake up with a condom in your butt, would you tell anyone?" The friend says in a disgusted tone, "No." So the man says, "Okay, let's go camping."

You know when you sign up for something and it says "I'm not a robot"? I guess he never had the chance to tick that.

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

There once was a street named Chuck Norris. They had to change the name because no one crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”

She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”