And jokes

My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.

Brother: I bought my brother a trampoline today, the ungrateful fuck just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

What is burned dark and glued to the wall?

A bad electrician.

In preschool, I confessed my love to my crush, and she rejected me. As heartbroken as I was, I sucked it up and went back to teaching.

Why can't you solve a murder in Alabama?

All the DNA is identical and there are no dental records.

How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul Walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the dash.

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

A husband and a wife have four children. The oldest three are tall with blonde hair. The youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said, "Honey, can you be completely honest with me? Is our youngest son mine?" The wife says, "I swear to all that is holy, he is your son." Then the husband died and the wife muttered, "Thank god he didn't ask about the other three."

You wanna know how to get rid of potential scam callers?

Next time you get a call from them, just answer the phone and say, "Pizza Hut abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce, how may I help you?"

What do girls and rocks have in common?

The flat ones get skipped.

What do pedophiles and a SpongeBob intro have in common?

Are you ready kids?

What do JFK’s killer and a prostitute have in common?

“They both blow heads.”

(sorry in advance this joke is brutal)

What has 12 heads and 24 eyes?

The bin at the back of the abortion clinic.

What’s the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber 🥒

I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me, "Yeah, I can read braille." So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read, "Screw you, asshole."

Why does Mexico never hold the Olympics? Because everyone that can run, jump, and swim is already out of the country.

If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? -- America.

What's the similarity between women and car parking spaces? The good ones are always taken, and sometimes when nobody's looking, you slip in the disabled one.

Russian, American, and Polish stood by the lake shore.

Russian ran ahead to dive and yelled "vodka" and the lake changed into vodka.

Polish ran ahead to dive and yelled "beer" and the lake changed into beer.

American ran to dive, slipped, and said, "oh shit."

A man is at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. A few years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”