And jokes

My sister's name is Coco, and one day she was funny, so I told her, "You coconut."

I'm jealous of my LED lights, 'cause they're hanging from the ceiling and I'm not.

What's the difference between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish, it'll die.

So a girl goes to Santa in the mall, and Santa asks what she would like for Christmas. So the kid says: “a little sister”. So then Santa says: “bring me your mother!”

If it's true what they say and I quote, "God never gives you more than you can handle," then you should pray to those who didn't, that God gave them a body strong enough to survive the attempt.

I asked my midget neighbor if he wanted a lift. He told me to "Fuck off!!!" I thought, what a cheeky cunt and zipped my backpack up and walked away.

What’s the difference between a Ferrari and ten 6-year-olds?

I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

What is the difference between an old chest and a kid? One doesn't cry when you drop it in the basement.

What do kidnappers and Mickey Mouse have in common? They say, "Come inside, it’s fun inside."

I decided to visit Saudi Arabia with my girlfriend.

She and I learned they celebrate Pride month by throwing stones.

What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs ;)

Suicide gives you security for the future.

Decide the day of suicide and live with full joy till that day, and you can choose to postpone it.

What's the difference between Mexicans and stoners? Stoners actually have papers.

What's the difference between Hitler and a feminist?

At least Hitler actually did something.

What starts off fun and ends in bankruptcy?

UNPROTECTED SEX.

What starts with e, ends with e, and only contains one letter? -- An envelope.

A high school student and his best friend were rushing to class after his best friend caused them both to be late. His best friend asked, "Would you like to hear a joke?" "Sure," he replied. "What do you and your sister have in common?" "I don't know." "Because of me you're both late for your next period."

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "May I have a bottle of arsenic, please?" She is shocked. "Why would you want something like that?" The man calmly tells her, "I want to poison my unfaithful wife and her lover." The pharmacist is now horrified. She said, "I can not possibly give you that. It is completely illegal and I would lose my license and be prosecuted for conspiracy and murder!" At this point the man hands the pharmacist a photo of his unfaithful wife having sex with the pharmacist's husband. She examines it then looks up at him. "Oh. I didn't know you had a prescription."

So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says, "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says, "What should their names be?"

The uncle replies, "Well for your daughter, Denise." "That's a nice name," comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies, "Denephew".

You know some of these jokes took me 9 minutes and 11 seconds to realize. When I did, it hit me like a plane.