And jokes

Guys, what do you call an un-aborted and parentless child?...

An orphan.

Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.

That made my father very mad, as we didn’t have a fireplace.

What's the difference between a dead body and a Lamborghini?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

It’s about drive, it’s about power, We stay hungry, we devour, Put in the work, put in hours, And take what’s ours.

Q: How do you punish a blind person?

A: Give them a gun and tell them it's a hairdryer.

What’s the difference between a life and a nuclear bomb?

I don’t have a life.

My 1 year old nephew had a stroke. I know, sounds bad... but he would have needed to learn how to speak and walk anyways.

I was in class and we had to choose another term for words we use everyday. For kid, I chose "child"; for dog, I chose "pet"; and for wife, I chose "dishwasher."

The sexy towers are just like my sexy toes because when I crashed a plane into the tower, it burned and bled.

One day this kid says to his dad, "Dad, they bully me at school."

His dad asks why, and the kid says, "They bully me because I got no hands."

Then his dad says, "Who would do such a thing like that? I want to know who they are. Point at them!"

What are the similarities between BTC and 9/11? They both crashed down.

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 and 976 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone, and money falls out.

What's the difference between an orgy and mass suicide?

When exactly my cult members drink the Kool-Aid.

A man went hunting with his son and shot an animal.

The father asks the son to identify the animal he just shot, and the son answers: "Holy Cow!"

Father: "What do you mean, 'Holy Cow?'"

Son: "You shot a hole in the cow, of course!"

Helen Keller walks into a bar... and a table... and a chair... and a wall.

Why do orphans only have 363 days of the year?

Because they don't have a Mother's and Father's Day.

Good Lord, any tips on how to kidnap children? I say, "Free candy," and they run.

I went to a tall girl and I asked her, "What do you do for a living?" She says, "An account." So I reply with, "An accounting the hairs on people's heads," and then I run away.

Me and Billy Bob the 1st, Billy Bob the 2nd, and Billy Bob 4th Jr. were all in the Twin Towers.

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony. He opened up a pasta shop and made some macaroni.