And jokes

The best and worst part about being bi:

Best: Double the love, double the fun.

Worst: Double the love, double the loneliness.

Cheer for fun on the telephone and singing, "We are family!" Even then, your dad, really, he's fat, just like your dad. And your mom's fat ass, b**** ass, looking like an Oompa Loompa self, looking like an ugly.

Did you hear about the guy who died by lethal injection and writhed on the stretcher for 20 minutes?

I guess it really IS all in the execution.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Jeffrey Epstein?

Only difference between Michael and Jeffrey is Epstein wasn't a smooth criminal, and Michael was.

Keep calm and curry on!

I wonder why the baseball was getting larger and larger, then it hit me.

What do you call Holly and Elenji?

A couple.

I was walking with my black best friend, and he was meeting my parents, and after I got there, they said, "Who's this?" I said, "Well, I own him."

Well, I saw a stripper, and she was trying out bread.

Your hairline and my grandpa go way back.

What’s the difference between orphans and cars?

I don’t have 1080 cars in my basement.

Why did the orphan cross the road?

So he can be hit by a car and be reunited with his parents.

If an emo kid and the quiet kid had a fight, the quiet kid would win because the emo kid would hang himself to death.

There was a girl called Millie, and she had sexy blond hair, and she wanted to chase me, but I told her she had to catch me first if she loves me.

When your boy tries to have a bad day while you're on your period:

Oh, you have a cold? How rude of me. I just laid an egg, and now my body is ripping down the walls of my uterus. But can I get you a tissue?

What's the difference between sex and gender?

You can't have gender with your sister.

What's common in vampires and American kids?

They both don't get old.

I refuse to go bungee jumping. I was brought into this world from broken plastic, and I REFUSE to die the same way.

Q: Why are orphans so successful? A: Because when they were younger, they got told, "Go big or go home," and only had one option.

I went to the grocery and they said I did something wrong, but I thought they were talking about a food, so I said, "Wrong yummy!"