And jokes

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

120 pounds.

I saw an orphan and I said, "Yo."

He said, "What do you want?"

I said, "To be your new father."

"Really??!" the orphan said.

Me: Lol, no.

Orphan *Jumps into street*

Yo mama so stupid, she shoved two AA batteries up her ass and started singing, "I’ve Got The Power!"

What’s the difference between a kid with cancer and a dark humor joke?

They never get old.

Yo mama so fat Trump built a wall around her and not the border.

Why did Michael Jackson die?

Because I have a new phone number, and he does not know.

How many redheads does it take to change a lightbulb?

One! She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

When you tell your friend he’s a simp and isn’t offended, say it stands for sucking intensely at monkeys' penises.

When you have to get your prostate checked and you can feel the cold rubber of the glove, but you realize both the doctor's hands are on your shoulders.

How do Asians name their babies?

They throw pots and pans around.

"Ching, Chang, Clang!"

What's the definition of rude?

Sticking a blind man in a corner and telling him to find his wife.

I like peanut butter and honey.

What is the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?

A refrigerator doesn’t fart when you pull the meat out.

If you have a twin sister, do you have the same name? Only if your mom and dad give you the same name.

What is yellow and can’t swim?

A school bus full of children.

How many animals can you fit in a pair of underpants?

A. A cock and a few hairs (hares).

I was at a baseball game and I was wondering why the ball was coming closer.

And then it hit me.

A man drinks beer and jumps off a tower, and he's okay. The other guy says, "Whoa, how'd you do that?"

He does it again, so the guy gets a beer, the same beer, and jumps off. He died.

The bartender looks at the original man who jumped off and says, "Superman, you're a real butthole whenever you're drunk."

There is a Mexican, white guy, a Jew, and a Black man on top of the Empire State Building.

First, the Mexican and the Jew throw themselves off of the building saying, "This is for my people!"

Then the Black man is next up to jump and says, "This is for my people!"

And throws the White man off of the building.

One day, I saw a kid beating up a fat kid. But a cop came out of nowhere and threw the bully off him. The cop then asked the bully, "Why are you beating him up?" I responded, saying, "I'm fighting obesity; no children should suffer from diabetes and heart disease." Then, the cop pulled out a gun and fired, afterwards saying, "Well, how did I do?"