And jokes

Today I went to the doctor for a test, and he said I have 10 months to live.

So later that day I stabbed him to death, and the judge sentenced me for 15 years in prison. Problem solved!

I recently saw a pun contest in NYC. The owners said there was a maximum of 10 puns that I could submit. I wrote 10 puns and submitted all of them in hopes that at least one would win--however, no pun in ten did.

I didn't trip and fall... I attacked the floor, and I believe I am winning :3

What's the difference between Mark Zuckerberg and a lizard?

There is no difference.

Roses are red, Violets are blue... I fucked your mother's ass, and she had you.

What's the difference between a gun and my will to live? None, they are both absent.

Why did the little boy cry?

He had a frog nailed to his face and stapled to each of his fins. The frogs were his personal molesters.

Me and my receding hairline? Believe me, we go way back.

Is it weird that a milk carton has a date, and I don’t?

Are you a volcano? Because you're hot and I really lava you!

Why didn't they just switch him on and off again, or switch his batteries?

I'm so poor that when people come over to my house, I come out the window and say, "Ding Dong!"

I went to the doctor because I had a steering wheel in my pants, and it was driving me nuts.

What do Will from "Stranger Things" and the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air have in common? They're both named Will, and their lives both got flipped, turned upside down.

There were 3 guys in detention called Zip, Willy, and Pee, and they were all being naughty. The teacher came in and said, "Zip down, Willy out, Pee in the corner."

Don't drink and park.

Accidents cause people.

What's the difference between Jesus and a gay person?

One created the rainbow, the other one ruined it.

Women have eggs and milk in them...

And they say that they don't belong in the kitchen.

What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson’s dreams every night?

Hanson.

What does a condom and a coffin have in common?

They both still have stiffs, but one is coming and one is going.