And jokes

Sex is like show and tell: you show your pussy and dick, and then you tell each other how you feel.

What is long, yellow and can’t swim?

A school bus full of orphans.

People see this Rolex and they kill themselves.

Motherfucker, that's a suicide watch!

What starts with "s" and ends with "erm"? SuperM.

This means both "matrix" and "master" so take out the "u" and then you just get "master". When you think of sperm, you think of porn. If you're a master at something, you're also a star at it. So you get porn star.

What does a priest and time have in common? They're both predators.

What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn't beat cancer.

What's similar between a fetus and a failed mission?

You abort it.

What is the difference between the Titanic and the Twin Towers?

They both went down.

I tried a pun about water, but people "sea" right through it, and when people complain, they are usually just being a beach.

What looks like peanut butter and jelly, and makes a woman scream?

Afterbirth.

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says, "uno, dos..." and poof! He disappears without a tres.

What’s the difference between a tire and three-hundred-sixty-five used condoms?

One’s a good year; the other’s a great year!

What happens when you have a kid with Tourette's and a hair trigger?

The Las Vegas shooting.

When I went to the doctor, he pulled his wife in and said, "What do you see?"

I replied, "A fat bitch." He said, "Ok, your eyesight is perfect."

The "M" and "D" in "orphan" stands for Mom and Dad.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change the bulb and one to suck my dick.

A kid got a bike and a soccer ball for Christmas. He was still unhappy.

Why?

The kid had no legs.

It was 7:00 a.m. when Billy ran downstairs after a long night of sleep. He got to the kitchen where his mother and father sat. "What would you like for breakfast?" Billy's mom asked politely. Billy replied with, "Whatever Dad gave you last night in your bedroom would be great! You seemed to like it very much!"

1. If being ugly was a crime, you would have a life sentence.

2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships.

3. There is a tree out there giving you oxygen, and you owe that tree an apology.

4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.

5. When I saw your dad on the sidewalk, I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

6. If I had powers, I would make you the dumbest person alive, but it seems life already beat me to the punch.

7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it.

8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.

9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting.

10. Were you born on a highway, 'cause that’s where most accidents happen?

11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya.

12. You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented.

My dad is Al-Qaeda, and he even took a plane trip to New York in 2001.