And jokes
Mommy, Mommy! Are we vampires?
Shut up and drink your soup before it clots!
Q: What does a slice of pizza and an F grade have in common?
A: They're both cheesy.
The mailman came to drop the mail off.
Me (son): I went and told my mommy that daddy is home.
Mommy tells me, "You got no daddy."
Then I say, "I hear you always call the mailman daddy."
We destroyed two boats, and they dropped the sun on us twice!
People were scared of the alligator because it ate everyone, so they called for the water god Aquarius.
He said "Sea ya later, alligator!" and he drowned.
Memes
What do you call a kid with 15 nukes and a shotgun?
The final countdown.
Do you know what dogs and orphans don't have in common?
Dogs get loved.
What's the difference between Clark Kent and chicken noodle?
One is Super. The other is just soup.
My wife and I have made a difficult choice and have decided we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What's the difference between babies and onions?
You don't cry cutting up babies.
My wife asked me to connect more on my feminine side. So I crashed our car and fucked my trainer.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
Nothing. You can't cross a vector and a scalar.
Quiet kid reaches down and class starts running.
Quiet kid: What's wrong? Pulling out my...
What’s the difference between a violin and a viola?
The viola burns longer.
What’s the difference between a dog and parents?
If an orphan calls their name, only the dog comes back.
How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
"Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate."
How does a tree access the internet?
By logging in and branching out!
What’s the difference between an onion and a viola?
No one cries when they cut up the viola.
Why do violists stand for long periods outside of people's houses? They can't find the key and don't know when to come in.