And jokes

There was a woman from Ealing, she had a peculiar feeling. She laid on her back, opened her crack, and pissed all over the ceiling.

What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?

Apples get picked.

How are laundry and Michael Jackson related?

They both got bleached!

She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts, and we're both getting sent home from school because it's distracting to boys, apparently.

Let's play pretend. I'll be Nike and you'll be McDonald's, cuz I'll be doin' it and you'll be lovin' it.

I went to find someone to fuck in the streets for money, and I found a prostitute, but then she raped me. After she said it was amazing and instead let me push.

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a pimple? You never see a pimple come on a little boy’s face.

What was the ONLY difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apples got picked.

My dad has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Q: What's the difference between a fetus and an onion?

A: One makes you cry when you chop it into pieces.

What’s the difference between a priest and acne? At least acne waits til the boy is 12 to come on his face.

What’s the difference between a priest and target?

Nothing, they both have children’s pants half off.

Do you know what's the difference between a knife and a girl's argument?

A knife has a point.

So I was digging in the garden and I found some treasure. I was gonna tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging in the garden.

If you don't like orphan jokes, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ON HERE??!!! WE DON'T ACCEPT YOU HERE!

If you saw an orphan, could you say where your parents at? And if they cry, just say, "hey here are your parents" then grab nothing. Perfect example.

Just accidentally emailed a porn link to a co-worker... So I emailed ten other co-workers the link and called it a virus.

What's the difference between apples and orphans?

Apples get picked.

A policeman just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous! My dogs don’t even own bikes!

what do sloths and depressed people have in common? ... they both hang from trees.

What can change color and get beat up?

You.