And jokes
What's black, gold, and red all over?
Tupac in Vegas.
A brunette fought and didn't get raped.
A blonde thought and did get raped.
What did Cinderella do when she got the ball?
She gagged and took it like a champ.
I got an Xbox achievement the other day. It said "Trash Master," and everyone looked at me at the funeral.
If a man is willing to try his hardest to give you the moon and stars, then ladies, you should be willing to give up Uranus.
Memes
Q: What's black, white and red all over?
A: A blushing zebra? No, Michael Jackson after a Pepsi advert.
What's long and not very hairy?
The conga line at the cancer department.
I believe in a woman's right to choose...
...whether she wants to cook first and then clean or clean first and then cook.
When you turn off all the annoying beeping things in the hospital, and everyone starts sleeping better.
What's white and comes in little cans?
Michael Jackson.
Dad and Mom: -takes one look at Child-
Dad and Mom: "We don't want him."
Orphan: And I took that, personally.
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.
What is red and very rare?
A child in a blender.
What's the difference between my wife and a battery? I can't use a battery when it dies.
I talked to a future suicide bomber. I told him, "ISIS ain't got sh** on me because I planted a bomb and lived."
My mom came to me and shouted, "Nobody is giving me a fuck." So I went forward and fucked her!
Ahem... if somebody you don't like, or somebody random just calls you in general,
answer the phone with this:
"Hello, thank you for choosing Mama's Pizzeria/Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, how may I help you?"
or
"Hello, this is David's Orphanage, you make them, we take them, how may I help you?"
Some people's reactions are priceless, and then they wonder about your mental health.
I like my women like how I like my cocaine, smuggled and cut clean.
I like my women like I like my microwaves.
Hot, ready to go when I am, and able to kill any baby I put in her.
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?
Acne waits until you're 13 to come on your face.