And jokes

I was walking down the streets of Manchester when suddenly I saw Penaldo getting arrested! I heard the officer say, “This time I give you warning, there will be no penalty.”

That’s when Penaldo asked, “No penalty?!” and punched the police officer.

Shame on you Penaldo!

Give a man a match, and he's warm for a few minutes. Set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

What makes a nuke and divorce the same?

It only takes one of each to end your life.

What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A golfer goes *whack* "darn" and a skydiver goes "darn" *whack.*

Your mama is so fat that she took a picture at Christmas, and it's still downloading.

Roses are red, violets are blue, my mom and dad died, next you'll be gone too.

How are apples and orphans different?

Apples get picked.

What do the twin towers and genders have in common? They used to be two, but now they're a sensitive subject.

Little Johnny went up to his mom and said: "Can I have some milk?"

He waited for three hours to get an answer.

His mom finally said: "No, your dad still isn't back with it."

For this orphan, his dad didn't only go and get the milk. His mom did too.

If I had 10 dino nuggies and Jamal tried to take one, I would have ten dino nuggies and Jamal's head.

I was gardening and found a chest full of blood... I forgot I was in the cemetery.

Are your hairline and forehead old friends, because they go way back?

This guy looked down the aisle and asked, "Hey, are those kids all yours?" And I replied: "No, I work for a condom company, and these kids are just all of my complaints."

The biggest inconvenience in 2001, I thought, was my brother. Turns out it was 9/11. I guess the planes saw him be born and died from how ugly he was. Aluh aluckbar.

How do you keep a blind kid busy? Give him sandpaper and tell him it's a find-a-word. 😂🤣

What's wrong with airline food...! They're not black, and they're not people. hahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahhahahahXD!!!!!!!!! You're welcome?

English: It's the story of two potatoes, one gets mashed and the other screams “Oh mash!”

French: C’est l’histoire de deux pommes de terre. Une d’elles se fait écraser et l’autre s’écrie “Oh purée!”

What does an orphan and a banana have in common? They both get split up.

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan? An apple gets picked.