And jokes

What do you call an orphan if every other orphan gets picked?

Someone: Ugly?

Me: No, trick question, they are still an orphan.

Boobs are like batteries...

AA will get the job done...

C is bigger than AA...

D is bigger that C...

...and if they're square, you don't want to put your tongue on them!

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked.

Johnny and Jill went up the hill to lick Jill's yummy candy.

But Johnny got a SHOCK With a mouthful of COCK Because Jill's REAL NAME?

Was Randy. 👹

- Got myself a bathroom scale so now I know exactly how much I poop.

- Right. So you weigh yourself before and after you poop and calculate the difference? That’s cool.

- Oh...that might actually be even easier.

Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a scale and it said: "To be continued."

What's the difference between my girlfriend and my uncle?

My girlfriend didn't go to jail for loving me.

What's the difference between an emo and my clothes?

My clothes don't hang themselves.

Your forehead so big your thoughts started on a Monday and didn't end 'til Sunday.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine! Lol.

Me: "What's the difference between an apple and an emo?"

Friend: "I don't know."

Me: An apple actually falls from the tree.

Chuck Norris once stared a basilisk in the eye, and it DIED!

If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then the lethal dose would be a lifetime supply.

A guy walks to his friend's house. His friend asks, "Where is your girlfriend?"

The guy replies, "Meet me at the cemetery in a week, and you'll find out!"

Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what's right, with all your might.

Wife: (on phone) Hi. Husband: Hey, I didn’t know dishwashers talk and make me a sandwich.

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me, something smells.

When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

What's the difference between an anal and oral thermometer?

The taste.

I told her she needed to put her dog on a leash, and her boyfriend is still on a leash to this day. 😮‍💨