And jokes

Who are the fastest readers in the world?

The people in the Twin Towers, because they went through over 100 stories in less than 10 minutes.

Did you hear about the tomato and the lettuce race?

Well, the lettuce was ahead, and the tomato was trying to ketchup!

You'd think my son would be happy that Daddy bought him a new bike. But no... oh no, he just sits in his wheelchair and cries like a little girl.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I have five fingers, and the middle one is for you.

A man and a cow are stuck on train tracks, and there is a train in the distance about to hit both of them. A vegan sees this and tries to help. Who does he save, the man or the cow?

Neither. He isn't strong enough to lift either of them.

There was a boy named Sammy, and he was deeply in love with a girl named Rayne. But she didn’t notice him or talk to him. But one day, she did, and they end up liking each other and getting married and lived happil- wait no, that’s not right. Sammy snuck in Rayne’s house at night and kidnapped her, locked her in his basement, and turned her into a puppet so she'd be with him forever and ever. The End.

"This isn't the first time my husband's cheated on me, but you're my sister! You'd better have a better explanation than this magic lamp."

"You know how you have to be specific making wishes? Well, I was really horny and asked the genie to have the world's biggest penis....ended up with a concert pianist that's seven foot tall. Nice guy. Next time I tried, I asked for the world's biggest cock, that was fun but the poor rooster died. So I asked for the world's biggest dick and that's how I ended up on top of your husband."

A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus and proudly claims the animal can play any musical instrument. The bartender pulls out a guitar from behind the bar and gives it to the octopus, which plays an amazing solo. Just then a Scotsman walks into the bar with a set of bagpipes. The octopus grabs the instrument and wrestles around with it on the ground, flailing about, making a horrible sound. The bartender says, "Hey, looks like he can't play that!" and the octopus says, "Play it? As soon as I get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck it!"

How do you make a cat go "woof"?

... douse it in gasoline and set it on fire! "woof!"

What do women, tornadoes, and hurricanes have in common? They all get the house.

A man and a boy are walking into a forest. It begins to get dark. The boy says "Mister, I'm scared." The man replies "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone."

Why did Steven Hawking die?

He lost Wi-Fi connection and didn't get the data plan.

I'd love it if you killed yourself, but Hitler killed himself and people still hate him...

When the school shooter asks the autistic kid which hostage he wants to rape, and he looks at you like 😋.

The Libertarian Party was founded in 1971, and the Libertarian Party has lost every presidential election since 1972, and according to the Libertarian Party the Libertarian Party is the only political party in the United States that is the party of principle. If the Libertarian Party is the party of principle then why hasn't the Libertarian Party won a presidential election since 1972?

Because it is politically motivated.

What’s the difference between Jesus and a hooker?

The look on their face when you're nailing them.

What's red, small, wet, and crawls up your leg?

A homesick abortion.

I was trying to poison Santa, but he killed my dad and ate all the cookies! 😤

A Mexican magician said he would disappear on the count of three. He said, "Uno, dos," and disappeared without a tres!

What do you call a Mexican in the zombie apocalypse?

Answer: "Sweet and spicy chicken."