And jokes
My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
Papa John's pizzeria and abortion clinic. You make 'em, we bake 'em.
What's the difference between humans and trash cans? One's actually useful.
There was a kid named Buttitches, and his teacher was taking attendance. Then the teacher asked, "What is your name?" And he answered, "Buttitches." Then the teacher asked again, "What's your name?" and he replied, "Buttitches." Then a student yelled out, "JUST SCRATCH YOUR ASS ALREADY!"
What is the difference between a snow woman and a snowman?
Snowballs.
Memes
My name is Joe Biden, and I forgot this message.
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
I like my dates like I like my wine...
Locked in a cellar and aged for 12 years.
"Better lock 'em doors and turn the lights down low... Better turn 'em on, just stubbed my f***ing toe!"
I got in a car crash with a dwarf one day. He came storming out, and glared at me. I lowered my window and called out, "So, I'm guessing you're not happy?"
An emo kid walked to me holding a rope, and asked: "Do you want to join my family tree?"
What's in common with Michael Jackson and a phone?
Kids play with both of them.
I saw an emo orphan by a tree, and I was going to give it a high-five, but instead I just let it hang.
What did the rope and the tree say to the kid?
Do you want to hang later?
What do girls and noodles have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
When the school shooter knocks on the classroom door, and the autistic kid opens it.
The difference between my life and a joke is that a joke has meaning.
Husband: "I think I might take a picture of your breasts and frame it."
Wife: "I think I'll take a picture of your penis and enlarge it."
A girl and boy are in bed after sex. The boy goes, “I can’t believe they got together after all that shit.” The girl says, “Who?” The boy goes, “My ass cheeks.”
Everyone has cracks in them, mine's just in my heart and not my ass.