And jokes

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan? The apple's actually get picked.

What do old people and meth heads have in common? They usually trip over their balls.

cock, cock, and cum

I was in a haunted house today. Nothing scared me until I reached the last room, where I saw the scariest Halloween ghost I've ever seen. He took my pens and ghosted. I was told that I saw Pristiano Penaldo and I was lucky enough to see him because he performs once in a blue moon.

I like my women like I like my wine. 16 years old and locked in a basement.

I was playing football with my friends, and I got tackled and got a penalty. Suddenly, the ground started shaking, and Penaldo emerged from the mud. He took the penalty, but since it wasn't Andorra, he missed. Shame on you, Penaldo!

What's the difference between an orphan and cotton?

One gets picked.

You're so fat the only letters of the alphabet you know are K, F, and C.

What is black and at the top of a staircase?

Stephen Hawking after a house fire.

Welcome to Morgan's Morgue and Pizzeria where yesterday's loss is today's sauce!

I hate jokes about 9/11... every joke has the tendency to crash and burn.

"I didn't get the joke at first, but then it hit me like a plane," the joke was so dark a cop almost shot it.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They just hold it in the socket and expect the world to revolve around them.

A few kids were talking about how big their houses were. Kids were pointing to huge houses and huge apartments. One little boy said, "Bet I have the biggest home." To everyone's surprise, he pointed right towards the massive orphanage.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

What do orphans, parents, and trees have in common? They leafed.

Imagine getting a call and it says, "Welcome to David's orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may we help you?"

What are the two hottest cities in the world? Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

What do emos and the Lorax have in common?

They both hang with trees.

How do you spell ihop?

Then spell ihop and say "ness".

I was happy for once, and my family was happy I was happy, but that all changed when they found out I was thinking about bridges and humans.