And jokes

When you push your grandma out of her wheelchair and steal it.

“They see me rollin’, they hatin’.”

I like my men like I like my whiskey: Irish and put in a barrel for 2 years with barely any oxygen.

What do leaves and suicidal people have in common? Nothing, one falls from the tree and one doesn't.

What's the difference between an escaped prisoner and an orphan?

Only one is wanted.

Dad: Hey son, wanna hear a joke?

Son: Sure thing, dad!

Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbor's dog!

Son: I don't get the joke, dad.

Dad: It's my life, son! My life is the joke.

The orphan started crying at school when he got suspended and had to go home.

I offered to share a meal with a homeless person once, but he said, "Piss off and buy your own!"

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"

A leaf and a depressed kid fall from a building. Which hits the ground first?

The leaf, the rope stops the depressed kid.

So, my friend and I were talking this time. I asked them what they would do if they ever met Rengoku. They said that they would probably like shake his hand or something, but I said I would lick his forehead. Wtf?

What's white, sticky, and better to spit out then to swallow?

Toothpaste.

Why do they call me a firefighter? Because I find them hot, and I leave them wet!

Today a child asked if I was an angel. I asked why, and he said, "Mommy says that angels have marks on their wrists because they don't want to be in this world."

What is six inches, has nuts, and is hard?

A sinkers bar.

I was walking today and I saw an emo with a noose looking up at a tree. I simply said, "Hang on there, bud!"

A man walks into a magic forest, when he stumbles upon a talking tree and tries to cut it down. The tree says, "You can't cut me down, I'm a talking tree!" The man replies, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

How do you find out if your kid is gay?

Lock him in a closet and if he comes out, he's gay. If not, he's dead straight.

Why do dwarfs hate fast food restaurants? Cause most of them have medium and large.

So the teacher goes up to you and says, "I'm going to call your parents." Me: "Good luck finding them."

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy. Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jill's real name is Randy.