And jokes

How many orphans does it take to "test drive" a bus? It depends on how much space the orphanage has and how much space the cemetery has.

What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One is a refreshing summertime snack; the other one is a watermelon.

What do the mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.

What do kids and drugs have in common? I sell both of them.

So, an Irish man is walking his poodle, and his buddy comes running up to him saying there’s a new pub in town and they’re giving out free pints.

So the man picks up his dog and runs like hell to the bar. But the bar owner stops him and says, "Sorry, you can’t go in." The Irish man says, "Why can’t I go in?" "Well, you have a dog, sir, and that sign over there says no dogs allowed. You’re going to have to leave him outside." Well, the Irish man thinks quick and says, "I’m blind; it’s a seeing eye dog." The owner says, "That’s ridiculous. A seeing eye dog would be a German shepherd or golden Labrador or something like that." The Irish man says, "Well, what kind of dog did they give me??"😂

what do you call a lazy gay?

someone who comes straight out of the closet, and goes straight to the couch.

A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll f--ck you for $10." The boy says, "I would, but I don't have any money." She says, "Ok, I'll take the duck instead." He says, "Ok," so they go upstairs and f--ck. The prostitute says, "That's the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back, and we can do it again." So they do, and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, "Well, I got a f--ck for a duck, a duck for a f--ck, and $25 for a f--cked up f--ck."

What do a coin and an Irish man have in common?

They're both fun to flip off.

I was watching my boyfriend's dog while he took a shower. I started playing fetch with him when the ball went over the balcony. He went to get it and fell 10 stories. When I looked down, he appeared to be dead.

My boyfriend loved his dog and I didn't know what to do, so feeling awful, I sat on the couch and waited for him to come back. About three minutes later he got out of the shower. He ordered some food and went to the table to eat when I said, "You know, your dog's been a little depressed lately..."

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

Someone at school judged my grammar.

I judged theirs by the terms "school" and "rifle range" being mixed up the next day.

An infinite amount of mathematicians walked into a bar. The first ordered a pint, the second ordered a half pint, the third ordered a fourth-pint, etc. The Bartender eventually walked up and gave them two pints and said: "You mathematicians don't know your limits."

Why are Michael Jackson and caviar so much in common?

They both come on little white crackers.

What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?

Q: An apple gets picked.

Teacher: What's 3 minus 1? Me: I don't know. Teacher: How about this, you have three cakes, I take one. How many cakes do you have? Me: Three. Teacher: If I take one cake from your three, what do you have? Me: Three cakes and a dead teacher.

When the school shooter is right outside the classroom window, and the autistic kid starts trying to say hello to him.

What do you call a family photo taken by an orphan?

A selfie.

I have the best life coach ever, because he taught me to not care. He did it so well that he died last week, and I still don’t care.

And that concludes your French oral. You can put your trousers back up, and I'll see you on Monday.

I was always poked and told at weddings your next...

So I went to funerals and poked them and said your next.....