And jokes

Today a child asked if I was an angel. I asked why, and he said, "Mommy says that angels have marks on their wrists because they don't want to be in this world."

What is six inches, has nuts, and is hard?

A sinkers bar.

I was walking today and I saw an emo with a noose looking up at a tree. I simply said, "Hang on there, bud!"

A man walks into a magic forest, when he stumbles upon a talking tree and tries to cut it down. The tree says, "You can't cut me down, I'm a talking tree!" The man replies, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

How do you find out if your kid is gay?

Lock him in a closet and if he comes out, he's gay. If not, he's dead straight.

Why do dwarfs hate fast food restaurants? Cause most of them have medium and large.

So the teacher goes up to you and says, "I'm going to call your parents." Me: "Good luck finding them."

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy. Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jill's real name is Randy.

Why do I have to go to a shooting range when I can go to school and do it for free?

The weirdest thing happened to me today. I was driving 50 mph and hit a speed bump and it screamed!

Who was purple and wanted to rule the world?

Alexander the Grape.

When the school shooter pulls the fire alarm, and the autistic kid thinks it’s a rave party.

Eric's mom asked her son why his bag was heavy and if it was because of books. Eric replied, "No, magazines."

What's the difference between my dad and the milk man? The milk man comes back with the goddamn milk.

If Iron Man and Quicksilver teamed up,

They would be alloys.

I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf.

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.

My aunt used to say, "Slow and steady wins the race." She died in a fire.

What do women and pools have in common?

They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.

Why can’t kids at an orphanage play hide and seek?

Because no one’s looking for them.

I'm starting a new charity where homosexuals help the extremely handicapped.

I'm calling it "Fruits and Vegetables".