And jokes

Why do I have to go to a shooting range when I can go to school and do it for free?

The weirdest thing happened to me today. I was driving 50 mph and hit a speed bump and it screamed!

Who was purple and wanted to rule the world?

Alexander the Grape.

When the school shooter pulls the fire alarm, and the autistic kid thinks it’s a rave party.

Eric's mom asked her son why his bag was heavy and if it was because of books. Eric replied, "No, magazines."

What's the difference between my dad and the milk man? The milk man comes back with the goddamn milk.

If Iron Man and Quicksilver teamed up,

They would be alloys.

I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf.

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.

My aunt used to say, "Slow and steady wins the race." She died in a fire.

What do women and pools have in common?

They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.

Why can’t kids at an orphanage play hide and seek?

Because no one’s looking for them.

I'm starting a new charity where homosexuals help the extremely handicapped.

I'm calling it "Fruits and Vegetables".

Roses are red, violets are blue, you have a big forehead, and your hairline recedes too.

What's the difference between a broken shovel and a young child?

The shovel doesn't cry when you swing it into a wall repeatedly.

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

What's the difference between my sister and my phone? I don't give a damn if my phone dies.

What's the difference between you and a fridge? The fridge doesn't moan when I put my meat in.

So the other day, I was looking up zodiac sign stuff, you know, I'm a real big fan of that, and I come across this thing and it’s like all zodiac signs have their own hairstyles... except Cancer.

What's Stephen Hawking's favorite shampoo? Heads and Shoulders?

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.

The boy turns to the man and says, "Hey mister, it's getting dark out, and I’m scared... Can we go back now?"

So the man says: "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone!"