And jokes

Stephen Hawking: like a cross between Nikola Tesla and... a Tesla.

Where does Kristen Stewart get her virginity from? She gets it from her mama and papa.

I just got off the phone with Kristen Stewart yesterday. She said I was invited to her cookout this Friday. I said I'll come by and bring some drinks, like wine, beer, and liquor, so we can get our freak on all night and drink some cherry wine until daybreak ends.

Hey, my man, why you got them damn old, stanky-looking Whoopi Goldberg cornrows on you head? Are y'all twins, or boyfriend and girlfriend, 'cause if y'all are, go get married in Color Purple land.

The lasagna I just cooked is for me, my friends, and family. You don't get none because your name is not on the list. You wanna know why? 'Cause you got the whole place smelling like catdog and ass.

Why did you put your dirty ass feet in my grits without telling me all this?

Because I forgot to wash and dry them with a paper towel.

What would you do if you see a guy suffocating from the heat? I would call and dial 911, holy shit!

I got to work.

Ben: Oh no, my boss is here. I hate my job and I'm terrified of my boss.

Ben: Uh, hey, hey Mr. Boss.

Boss: Have a nice day.

Ben: Ok, bye!

Boss:??

I asked my friend, "Hey, did you get a haircut?" and she said, "No." Then I'm like, "Really? Then why are you bald today?"

A chair came to life and said, "I'm alive!"

I said, "Yes, I know I am."

What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?

Kids won't eat the broccoli.

A man walks into an AA meeting and asks for a roadmap.

I asked my mom if I could be Wednesday (from the Addams family). She said no. She said I would look creepy and weird. She said I HAVE TO BE SOMETHING CUTE. The outfit looked ridiculous. Everyone else looked spooky except for me ;-;.

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.

Should be good night and walk walk home.

What’s the difference between a mother and a girlfriend?

A girlfriend likes a bad boy.

One day I was at church. I had to sit down. I said, "Who in the world stinks?" I looked down. Turns out it was me, and this is not a joke, but funny.

I miss seeing my friends and teachers.

Which room has no doors and no windows?