I don't like 9/11 jokes because they always talk about how bad of a plane driver my dad is.
Santa and Bill Cosby's favorite quote: "Don't be dumb, make sure they're numb, and always use a condom!"
Why do cantaloupes always get married in the church?
'Cause they can't elope.
1. My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.
2. Oh, you’re talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.
3. My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.
I love stairs. They always bring me up.
Stephen Hawking would be a bad Pokemon.
He'd always be paralyzed, and his only move would be tackle!
"Don't sneeze!"
Every time I was in the bathroom with my friends, I would always tell them, "Don't sneeze!" and when I did, they just laughed so hard. And when we sneezed, we laughed even harder.
Also,
"It dangles and swung!"
Language art quizzes are the best.
Rey: Join me, Ben, you don't have to be alone anymore, join me.
Ben: But Rey, I've always been solo.
Why do cheetahs always win?
Because they cheat!
I like men like I like money, always getting lost under my bed.
When my girlfriend broke up with me, I took her wheelchair. I always knew she would come crawling back.
Why does the sky think it's so powerful?
Because it's always looking down on us.
My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.
Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”
I was always poked and told at weddings your next...
So I went to funerals and poked them and said your next.....
This is a lot like anal sex.
You always miss 100% of the shots if you don't take it.
I've always wanted to WAVE to a dolphin, but it could never SEA me.
That dolphin is so WASHED up. WATER you say we get revenge?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents always told me when I was little that the sky was the limit.
"Simba is proof cats don’t always land on their feet."
I tell short people to reach for the stars.
They are always a bit short of reach.
