All jokes

Can all the hot, depressed, suicidal guys just text me so we can meet up and cry together about how depressed we are. For real.

Not totally a joke but... What do all these rape joke naysayers have in common with rapists? They are also forcing themselves on others.

A recent study has found that beer contains female hormones.

A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn’t drive for shit.

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

Why are cows such great dancers?

They have all the best moooves!

I was studying in Turin, and my professor told me I had to use PENS only.

I looked in my bag for pens, and they were GONE. I looked at the surveillance footage and saw that CRISTIANO PENALDO stole ALL MY PENS. I was fuming. Shame on you, Penaldo!

my therapist says with time all wounds can heal.

So I stabbed him. Now we wait.

I would say a good joke, but all the good ones Argon.

My girl is so cute when she sleeps. I watch her all the time... Tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time.

My sister told me a joke.

All she said was "my life."

Orphans are funny cuz all they do is sing "We Are Family."

I got in big trouble the other day, though it was pretty unfair. Babies kick pregnant women all the time, and yet I got arrested anyways.

All orphans must be gay because they are not home o'fobic.

I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled, "I know the entire alphabet," and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

"Sir, in court, all your answers must be oral, okay?"

"Ok."

"What town did you grow up in?"

"Oral."

So, I tell my friend a pun about Bach. She freaks out. Then I say, "I hope that wasn't too much to Handel. Don't let it Strauss you out."

For all of my musicians out there!

Depression, I got it.

A girlfriend, don't got it.

A life, don't got it.

Help, got it.

Friends, don't got it.

Family, I got it.

Best of all, depression, I got it!!!!!!

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

Why does China have the biggest eyewear?

Because all their eyes are too small.