Simone

Q. What's an aborted baby's favourite type of humor? A. ...

Q. What's an emo's favorite type of comedy?

A. Gallows humor.

I take back my comments on the United healthcare CEO.

Being poisoned by a nurse wouldn't be that bad of a way to die as long as the nurse diluted the potassium chloride first.

I hope Betty Pears was a Buckcherry fan.

She literally died a crazy bitch.

Having survived a severe injury in my past, I'm kind of glad paramedics didn't succeed in bringing the United Healthcare CEO back.

I was suffering so bad I got delirious and thought that the nurses were putting poison in my water cup.

That CEO was so hated that one of the nurses probably WOULD have slipped him something!

Q. Why couldn't Terri Schiavo give good blow jobs?

A. She didn't know how to swallow.

Trump wants people to think he's a great golfer. But the only handicap he has is a mental one.

I used to think all Americans were racist.

Now I've changed my mind. They DID elect an orange president.

Here in Canada, you used to be able to be shipped off to an asylum just because you were gay.

I guess they couldn't tell the fruits from the nuts.

My cousin is a surgeon.

Last year he botched a surgery he was doing on a patient who happened to be gay. He's being sued for malpractice for turning a fruit into a vegetable.

Q. What's the difference between Trump and a piece of shit? A. Shit isn't orange.

In light of Trump's slurring, staggering, and incoherence, I wondered if he should get checked for a brain tumor.

Then I realized how ridiculous that sounded.

A tumor can't grow in something that doesn't exist in the first place.

I used to be emo, but I don't cut myself to solve my problems anymore.

I just drink a bunch of liquor like an adult.

I should probably stop making abortion jokes.

After all, the aborted babies aren't laughing.

Pierre Poilievre has lost the government position he had for 20 years.

Bet he wishes his mom HAD used that coat hanger.

Prostitution. The only job that pays more if you suck.

Some people think jokes about child abuse are funny.

I'm not sure if I think that, but they do seem to hit different.

Q: What was the last thing the United Healthcare CEO heard before he got shot?

A: "It's me, Luigi!"

I've come to the conclusion that Trump is the fifth Teletubby.

He's fat, orange, and speaks in gibberish all the time.

If a lawyer gives birth to a stillborn baby, is it considered a miscarriage of justice?