My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away.
He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade.
Shower thoughts
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
Doctor: you’ll be at peace soon
Man: am I dying
Doctor: no, your wife is.
What’s the worst part about a dead prostitute?
You end up doing all the work.
What’s the difference between Santa and my dad?
Santa got the milk.
What is the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
You’ll only need a single nail to hang the picture frame up.
What is the worst thing your sibling can steal from you? Your virginity
Why are carpenters never horny after work?
Because they’ve already spent all day getting hammered and nailing things.
Who is Bill Cosby’s favorite Disney princess?
Sleeping Beauty.
Why are obese jokes so offensive?
Because fat people have enough on their plate.
I got kicked out of flight school, so I decided to learn from the experienced pilots (Isis).
My mom smashed my Xbox, so I smashed her daughter. 😏
Why do emos suck at playing tic-tac-toe on their wrists?
Because when they win, they lose.
What do an emo girl and a blind girl have in common?
Black is their favorite color.
What do you call two brunettes and a blonde in the NFL?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver!
Why do people in Alabama like peanut butter and jelly?
Because it's in bread.
What do KFC and a brothel have in common?
They’re both full of greasy chicks.
Today was a really bad day. My mother-in-law was hit by a cab AND I lost my job as a cab driver!
Why did the blonde stare at the Ford?
Because it said, "Focus."
What did the blonde say when asked if her turn signal worked?
“Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”