How much drugs did Charlie Sheen take?
Enough to kill two and a half men.
Shower thoughts
What do you call a religious drug addict?
A crystal methodist.
What’s the difference between depression and your ex?
Depression fucks you harder.
Bin Laden’s kid comes sad from school.
“Dad, I got an F in Geography class!”
“Why is that?”
“The teacher asked me what’s the tallest building in New York and I said ‘Empire State Building.’”
Bin Laden waits a moment and then replies, “Let dad handle this one.”
What’s Michael Jackson’s favorite poker hand?
Jacks and 5.
What pronouns would Michael Jackson have used as a Gender Identifier? “He/he.”
Did you know that people say Michael Jackson only became a pedophile when he was white?
Lucky for him, if he was black he would have been found guilty.
What’s the only plus for someone who burns to death? They get a discount at the crematorium
What’s the worst thing about being suicidal?
The school shooter will always spare you.
Did you see the dyslexic kid try to write down “funeral?”
No? Shame, it was real fun.
Do you know that “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing? Except at a funeral.
Did you hear about the young man who brought floral arrangements in the shape of a life jacket on his friend’s funeral who drowned last week?
Everyone was furious, but he explained, “It’s what he would have wanted.”
What’s better than winning gold at the Paralympics? Walking.
What do dark humor and a person with scoliosis have in common?
Both are sick and twisted.
What do you do when you finish a magazine in the hospital? Reload and keep firing.
Why aren’t Make-A-Wish kids allowed to fly?
Because they rarely make it out of the terminal.
What’s the only positive thing about Freddie Mercury’s death?
The HIV test results.
How can one make Death Row a little more fun? Musical electric chairs.
Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100.
Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.
How do you know that Americans hate exercise? 9/11. How else do you explain hundreds of them jumping to their death rather than taking the stairs?!