Worst Jokes Ever
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."
I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
I now have $999,999.75.
My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy!
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site."
My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...
"Lazy."
English is weird. It can be understood through tough, thorough thought, though.
What do you call a Communist sniper? -- A Marxman.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.
He was high on my list of priorities.
How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? -- All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.
19 and 20 had a fight. 21.
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
4, 6, 8, and 9 have all been killed. 2, 3, 5, 7, and 11 are the prime suspects.
A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"
The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"
What's green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?
A pool table.
Why does the blonde stand in a corner when she's cold?
Because it's 90 degrees.
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.
Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
What starts with e, ends with e, and only contains one letter? -- An envelope.
Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.
What do Japanese men do when they vote?
They have an erection.