So I was asleep and woke up and went to work. My wife left already to her job. I was driving my car and ran over someone. I woke up in my bed, realized it was all a dream.
20 minutes later I got a phone call that my wife got hit by a car.
Worst Jokes Ever
What did the cucumber say to the bell pepper that wasn't wearing enough clothes?
You need more dressing.
"What did the blind, dumb, paraplegic, dead, eight-year-old child get for their birthday?"
"Cancer."
A man came up to a girl about to jump off a cliff. The man said, "Why?" She then replies, "There are many monsters in this world, and I am one of them."
Why do orphans like milk so much?
Because they got no milk as a baby.
Yo mama's so fat, she woke up on both sides of the bed.
What's the difference between a drill and a priest?
Nothing, they both like screwing stuff!
You're so short, I bet your parents left you at home most times when they went to the pool because they're scared you'll drown in the kiddie pool.
You’re so short, you must need a ladder to reach your advice and dreams.
You’re so short you would need a lift to kiss your bride.
You’re so short, you could use a pillow as your bed and still have some wiggle room.
You’re so short, you can swing your legs when you sit on a stool.
You’re so short, you could sweep under your bed while standing.
You’re so short, I bet you don’t have to bend to tie your shoelaces.
You're so short that you build a tiny house for yourself.
You're so short that you use a ladder to reach the potato chips!
You're so short that you don't have to open the front door to get inside the house.
You're so fat that you're as big as UY Scuti!
Dwarf: pulls down the flap for the mirror.
Also dwarf: can’t see.
Son: Dad, can I get a girlfriend?
Dad: Son, no, you are only 10, so no.
Son: Dad, I'm leaving to get a girlfriend.
Dad: Son, nooo, you are not my son!
Son: What did you say? *Son slaps the dad.*
Dad: Good, son, goodbye, get out of my home.
Son: Good, you can go move to a new home.