I'm so excited for Christmas Pudding... Pudding these nuts in your mouth.
Worst Jokes Ever
I was born and raised in Newcastle.
My grandfather used to tell me stories about Penaldo, a goblin from Portugal that travels to England when Newcastle is playing. He scores a tapin and then disappears until the next Newcastle game. I still have nightmares that he’s in our stadium.
What does Marcus Rashford say when he comes to the stadium?
I wanna kick some balls!
Joe Biden's speeches are so motivational. In fact, I have been stuck at home these past few weeks, and his well articulated words were enough for me to muster up the courage to jump off of a 10 story building.
Your forehead is so big that it's visible on the world map!
The first rule of the Alzheimer’s club is...
Wait, where are we again?
Why did the dwarf get a job at Lidl?
Because every Lidl helps.
There are two types of people in Alabama: the orphans and the incests.
I didn’t realize I had to put jokes into categories, my bad.
Unleash the jokers...👍
What’s green and smells of bacon?
KERMIT'S FINGERS ✌️
Fella walks past a mental hospital; they're all out in the garden behind this big fence, all shouting "13, 13, 13, 13," etc., over and over again.
This fella is intrigued, sees a little hole in the fence, looks through it... gets fucking poked straight in the eye!
Then they all start singing, "14, 14, 14, 14, 14, 14!"
There is this fish, and this fish thinks if that fly drops 6 inches, I’m gonna jump out the water and eat that fucking fish!
Then there is a bear, he thinks if that fly drops six inches, that fish jumps up - I’m gonna run out there and eat that fucking fish!
This huntsman also thinks to himself 🧐 if that fly drops six inches, fish jumps up, bear runs out, eats the fish. I’m gonna shoot that fucking bear.
Unbelievably there is a tiny little brave mouse, who also thinks to himself 🧐 if that fly drops six inches, fish jumps, bear runs, huntsman shoots,
He’s bound to drop that cheese sandwich in his back pocket!!!!
I’m gonna eat that fucking cheese sandwich!!
Meanwhile...
there’s This cat!!!’ He sees what’s going on - if they fly drops six inches -the fish =bear =huntsman =mouse eating the cheese sarnie....
Easy pickings...
Anyway bang 💥 the fly drops six inches. Fish jumps up. Bear grabs the fish. Huntsman shoots the fucking bear,
DROPS HIS CHEESE SARNIE!!
Cat runs after mouse trying to get the cheese sarnie
The cat slips over him (stacks it) cat falls in the river...
LONG STORY I KNOW BUT THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS...
every time a fly drops six inches a pussy get wet)
WALLOP... try remembering all that in A pub pissed. Xx
What is yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of children.
I like balls.
Mom: You will make me kill myself.
Me who has cut first: I'll kill myself ✨first✨!
I like dick.
Why are orphans so bad at poker?
They don’t know what a full house is!
Leaving for Disneyland! See you guys on Tuesday!
Why can't the orphan play baseball?
Because it doesn't know where home is... *sniff*
Uma Thurman's optometrist must have wide glasses sometimes.
