Yours jokes
We are having a sleepover and we are being as quiet as possible.
Addison: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, THOSE ARE GREAT JOKES!!!
Layne: IKR
Mom: SHUT UP, YOUR BROTHER IS TRYING TO SLEEP.
Addison: ok fine.
Layne: Look at this joke.
Addison: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
*Addison and Layne continue laughing really loudly*
You used to call me on your cellphone when you need my love.
Mad girl: SHUT UP! YOU ARE SO ANNOYING! I DON'T WANT TO CALL YOU ON MY CELL PHONE!
Kid: But, Mom, I don't want to go to the movies.
Mom: SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND CLEAN MY ROOM! YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE!
Kid: I don't want to go to the movies.
Mom: Shut your mouth and clean my room!
My question is, how do fat people fit in tuxedos? Honestly, don’t wear those. Wear your regular clothes. Your belly is just gonna pop out!
Friend texting fat boy: I know you're on the group chat. I can see you looking at my texts.
Me: I can only see fat.
Your butt is so fat, I can remove 90% of beauty with a tissue.
You're gay!
Your grandma is pretty old; she'll die soon.
When your friend moves to Texas and she comes back a cowgirl.
YEEEHAWW!
Bring a knife into the shower. NEVER gonna see that coming! He pulls the curtain like ‘re re‘ and you're like ‘re re’ yourself, motherfucker, and stab him right in the eye! You thought the psycho was out there? SURPRISE, the psycho’s IN HERE with the Irish Spring on them!
Your mumma so fat she takes up 4 seats of the sofa.
When you're exercising and you feel the “gush.”
What's better than sex with your 12 year old sister?
Rolling her over and pretending it's your 10 year old brother.
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
Pick it up and suck it off...
What medicine do you take when your butt hurts?
Answer: Assprin.
Two girls have a sleepover.
Karen: Let's go to bed.
Lauren: Fine, but it's early.
*Karen wakes up and exits room*
*Lauren hears noise*
Mikey: You're so much better than my girlfriend, Karen.
Lauren: *laughs*
Lauren: *remembers her boyfriend is Karen's brother, Mikey*
Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone, you ugly two-faced hypocrite!
Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don’t like ugly peasants.
Man: Your hair color is fabulous.
Woman: I hate your hair color, though.
Man: You look like a dream.
Woman: Then open your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, hypocrite!
Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: Yes, I want you dead.
R.I.P.
Man: Hey, baby, what’s your sign?
Woman: F*** you, pedophile!
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services for pedophiles.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down, you little peasant.
Man: What’s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar? Every other woman I see looks ugly. Bleuch!
Woman: How dare you!
Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore. I saw you playing with boxes in the store room and saying "I AM KING OF THE WORLD!"
He: I'm Nike, and you're McDonalds.
She: Why?
He: 'Cause I'm doing it, and you're loving it. :)
When you're walking through the garden section at Walmart and you hear your grandpa screaming, "They're in the fucking trees!"