Yours jokes
If you wanna get fat, what's the quickest way to do it?
Eat two jars of mayo each day, and in about a month, your scale will have your phone number!
There are times I miss you, that I wish I could remember where I hid your body.
A couple has sex in the dark every single night.
One night, the wife gets curious about what goes on, so they start f...ing, and she flicks the light on. When she flicks the light on, she catches him with a dildo playing with her pussy. She's so mad that she started ranting and raving. The husband says, "Honey, I know you're mad, and I'll explain the toy. Just do me one favor: explain the children."
Hi, this is a good prank I did.
So, my brother LOVES his phone and so... I put it in the toilet and then flushed it, but it wouldn't go down. So, then I gave it to him and he threw it and then it broke. HAHAHAHAHAHA
(Prankster, tell me if you don't like me doing pranks because it is your thing.)
Bye guys! I hope you liked this prank! (And his phone did not really break, it just cracked really bad lol)
If cancer was a person I’d shake their hand and say: "Thank you for your service."
Sorry if it’s too far, but don’t come here if you can’t take it.
My aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said, "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or it's useless, throw it away."
The next time my aunt visited, she said, "Where is your daughter?"
My mom said, "I took your advice."
If you're ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they going to do, tell their parents?
Boy: Your dick is so small, oh wait, you don't have one.
Older boy: UNO reverse card!
What do you call a guy at your doorstep with no arms and no legs?
Matt!
Don't worry if you think your life sucks. Just remember that people are arguing over the gender of a potato head.
Your mom is so poor, she buys used food.
So there's a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says, "Step on a crack and you break your mother's back." The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother's back breaking.
The little girl's father looks in terror, she then says, "Step on a line and you break your father's spine." The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out "OW MY SPINE!" The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.
Kid: Your mom!
Orphan: (cries)
Mom said drugs are my enemies. God said love your enemies. What do I tell her?
Me: *opens a bag of hot Cheetos in class*
All my friends: Hey bro, can I have some?
People I don't know: Please lemme have some. PLEASE, I'll be your best friend!
People I say no to: (⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)
When you’re playing dead and the school shooter starts unbuckling his belt and you hear him say, “This boy always had a fat ass.”
You realize you're in a paradox until you die. You'll see yourself die by murder, suicide, old age, etc.
Then you realize you're dreaming, but you realize that if you die in a dream, you die IRL.
Friend 1: How come when you say "apart" your lips move apart, but when you say "together" they move apart?
Me: Maybe your lips want a divorce.
Your (DYM 31).
Do you know how babies are made? The boy puts his penis in the girl's butt and goes up and down for ten minutes. Then the girl takes a pregnancy test, and if it says no, then you keep doing it until she is pregnant.
The boy will lick the girl down there, and she will put his penis in her mouth and suck it. Then he will spit on his hand and rub it on her boobs and lick/suck them.