You're jokes
I got written up on "Take Your Daughter To Work Day." Apparently, it only applies to daughters who are alive.
Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”
Imagine saying "my bad" instead of "sorry for your loss" at a funeral.
Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile to your face.
For instance, when you push them down the stairs.
Your hairline retreats from your face just like all the guys that look at you.
Person with no arms: Even though I have no arms, I can do anything you guys can.
Me: If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏 If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏
Person with no arms: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Your ma is so slow, it took her 9 months to make a joke.
If you leave your small children inside a shower with Kelly Clarkson, you're a filthy parent.
What does broccoli and sex have in common?
If you were forced to have it as a kid, you’re gonna hate it as an adult.
Me: Do you eat your cereal with water? You: No, why? Me: 'Cause your dad never came back with the milk!
If you've spent less time inside your mother than your father has, you just might be from Alabama!
Me: What has two legs and bleeds?
Friend: Um, women? Obviously?
Me: Actually, half a dog. So you're still right.
One day, little Johnny woke up to get a drink of water. He passed by his parents' bedroom and noticed sheets bouncing. He asked his dad what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." Little Johnny said, "Who is your partner?" Dad said, "Your mom." On his way up, he passed by his sister's room and noticed sheets bouncing around and asked what she’s doing. She said, "Playing cards with my boyfriend, Paul." The next day, Dad came to ask Johnny a question. The father noticed Johnny was still in bed and asked him what he was doing. He saw the sheet bouncing and asked Johnny what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." His dad asked him who his partner was. Little Johnny said, "You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand."
What did the booty say when it was asked to help?
"I've got your backside covered!"
Wait, this is the category "dick." Sorry yours isn't long for yo mama to get fucked up.
If you're fat and transgender, then would you be considered trans fat?
A black lady goes inside the drug store and asks the pharmacist, "Do you carry tampons?" Then the pharmacist asks the black lady, "Do you want the mini pads or the maxi pads?"
And then the black lady asks the pharmacist, "What is the difference?"
And then the pharmacist asks the black lady, "What is your flow like?"
And then the black lady tells the pharmacist, "Linoleum."
Do you want to give your life to God and be in Heaven?
Why do jeans always compliment your booty?
Because they’ve got your back!
What’s the difference between a gay guy and a microwave?
A microwave doesn’t brown your meat.