You jokes

What is the difference between a washing machine and a child?

The washing machine doesn't cry when you put a load in it.

Do you know why people in wheelchairs don’t pay for them?

Because they have to pay for road tax.

You are so adopted that you don't have a home button on Google Maps.

You know how all zodiacs have hairstyles... well not Cancers.

What do you call a smart booty?

A wise-crack!

Where do you find white people on a bench?

- The NBA.

What’s something you can say at a Christian summer camp and during a blind date?

"Good Lord, this is fun!"

Sara opens her lunch and reads the letter inside. "I packed your favorite -love mom," Sara reaches in and announces "yay PB and J!" Tom goes in his lunch and pulls out a letter "go buy yourself something healthy at the cafeteria -Dad," then pulls out 20 bucks and says "nice!" They both look at Craig as he pulls out a letter. Craig reads the letter in his head, it said "WE HAVE YOUR PARENTS, THEY TELL US THEY KEEP THE MONEY UNDER THEIR BED. BRING $10 000 TO THE RANDAVOU POINT OR THEY WILL BE KILLED. YOU DIDN'T TAKE US SERIOUSLY LAST TIME SO THERE IS MORE PROOF IN YOUR LUNCH." Craig throws down the letter and pulls a finger out of his lunch. Tom and Sara look shocked, then Craig says "ugh, severed finger, again!"

Dear prince,

Gwen is dating Aiden! I can tell by the emojis! She does not like you or the way you talk to her, not one bit!

P.S. She is and will always be dating Aiden! Leave a comment.

A kid has an older brother that’s a very popular lifeguard. He sees all of the people that talk to his brother, but he’s fairly ignored. So one day he asks his brother why everyone likes him so much. His older brother says, “Well, all you gotta do is stick a potato in your pocket.” So the next day the boy goes back to the pool and he has a potato in his pocket, but everyone is avoiding him even more now. At the end of the day he goes up to his brother and asks why it didn’t work, and his brother says, “Dumbass, you were supposed to put it in the front!”

Did you hear the one about the Polish elevator operator?

He was fired from his job because he couldn’t learn the route.

Is Google a girl or a boy?

Obviously a girl, because it won't let you finish a sentence without making a suggestion.

My ex broke up with me the day before his birthday. Yeah, he never got to see anything on his birthday. Next thing you know, I'm now in prison.

So, I went out to eat the other day, and the waitress came up to me and asked if I wanted a glass of water. I said, "Yes ma'am." She said, "Oh honey, you don't have to call me ma'am, I'm not that old." I said, "Okay, thanks bitch."

What do you call Helen Keller in a pitch black, sound proof room?

Unnecessary.

How many times do you tickle an octopus to make it laugh?

Ten-tickles.

What do you call a kid with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor.

What's the most expensive haircut you can get? Chemotherapy.

I love you, Hebrew John.

I wrote a passage to stop about bullying, and it was easy. Do you know why?

Because I am a bully!