Did you ever think that John F. Kennedy went for a ride in Dallas just to clear his head?
I just watched a 9/11 documentary on a plane. Man next to me said, "You know we're going to New York, right?" I told him I just wanna know what I got into.
You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.
I had a friend who got shot in the head.
Guess you could say he was...
Blown Away!
me: are you an orphan? orphan: yes how did you know and what gave me away? me: where's your parents? orphan: died and i have a phone why? me: because it has a home button.
A fat homeless person begged me for food, so I said, "I can see your dinner. You had plenty!"
What do you call a dear with no eyes?
I have no eye deer!
What do you call a autistic person playing a guitar?
Guarded.
What do you call a rapper who works at the BANK?
Lil Teller
You should know how important it is to wash your sex toys.
That's why priests invented baptism.
How do you know when a fat person stops eating? You read about it in the obituary.
What’s the difference between weed and pussy?
If you can smell weed from across the room, it means the weed's good.
What do you call a gay drive-by?
A fruit roll up.
if at first you don't succeed - blame it on the patriarchy
Welcome to alexs orphanage, you make em, we take em.
“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”
Cop: "I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia."
Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon....I'll let you know
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
