One day a truck driver had a truck full of squirrels. A police officer said, "Sir, I'm going to need you to take these squirrels to the zoo." The driver did so and left. The next day the driver was back, but this time the squirrels were wearing sunglasses. The officer said, "I thought I told you to take these squirrels to the zoo." The driver said, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach."
Why can’t you tell a funny joke to a wheelchair kid? Because he just rolls with the joke.
What do you call the only Trump Supporter to follow his orders to obstruct justice?
Answer: Attorney General William Barr!
How do you measure the circumference of Uranus?
By the rings around it.
What do you call a group of masturbating cows?
Beef stroganoff.
So, some ants in a colony go to war. They want some more troops and know that there are ants that went to wars as well. They call them war-ants.
They start barging into homes to search for more war-ants. They barge into a home, and the lady-ant goes, "Hey, why are you here? Can you please leave?" One of the ants replies with, "I'm sorry, but unless you have a war-ant, we have to keep searching your house."
Tibia honest, it takes a lot of spine to memorize all the bones in the skeletal system. I mean, there's a skele-ton of em! You gotta be boned up for the skeletal system exam, buddy chum pal. Now that was a humerus ribtickling skelepun. Besides, if ya don't know all of the bones in the skeletal system, get boned, fucking numbskull. Did those tickle your funny bone? Now I've been working down to the bone typing these puns, kid. Now if you hate all these, I won't be bothered, I got thick skin! But first, lemme take a skelfie in the skelevator playing my trom-bone. Now, I gotta go to Grillby's. They got a discount on spare-ribs. Bone-voyage, my homeslice breadslice dawg.
Mary is hanging out, and the angel Gabriel descends behind her. She looks behind her and says, "Jesus Christ!" and the angel Gabriel said, "So you already know."
Suicide gives you security for the future.
Decide the day of suicide and live with full joy till that day, and you can choose to postpone it.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed? Tell them to clap til' their parents get home.
When your grandma says she's rusty but still manages to teach you.
Why are there no women in the NFL?
Commissioner Roger Goodell firmly believes in equal opportunity, so the girl tries out. Then, if she makes the team, we gangbang her to death. I mean, could you imagine what a scary birch she'd have to be?
Did you know that Helen Keller has a swing in her backyard?
Neither did she.
What do you call a violent fish?
A smackeral!
How do you get two deaf people from fighting?
Turn off the lights and walk out.
How do you know a gay guy has been in your house?
There are speedos in the microwave.
What do you call a cow that has been shot?
Holy cow!
What do you give a armless kid for Christmas?
Nothing because they can't open the gift.
Roses are blood red, violets are twilight-hued oh how I wish I was dead so that I no longer have to brood.
Death would be a reprieve as I would no longer have to be true, and I would no longer have to be around any of you.
What do you call an octopus whose father left?
An octopie.