went on a date last night and told my date I worked with animals every day.
She said, "Oh, how sweet. What do you do?" I said, "I'm a butcher."
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?"
"Yes," replies the murderer, "Can you please hold my hand?"
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.
I ran into a dwarf and he said: “Well, I’m not happy”.. Me: Then which one are you?
I ran into a dwarf and he said: "Well, I’m not Happy."
Then which one are you?
See you later, crocodile.
In a while, pedophile.
Say what you want about pedophiles, but at least they don't shoot up schools.
Me walking in to the office:
Principal: Tell me, what did you do?
Me: I told the special ed kid that the 4th story window was an end portal...
I know five fat people, and you're three of them.
Did you hear about Fridgetair
Kelvinator?
So you know "The Lion King."
Do you remember Simba?
Well, his dad is really strong, and he walks really fast, but Simba walks really slow.
So I told him to Mufasa.
What do you do when you hear your wife squirming around in the back yard?
Reload... chhchhhh.
What do you do during a shooting? Why, join in, of course...
How do you make a juggler laugh? YOU TICKLE HIS BALLS
What do you call a lazy piece of meat?
A meatloaf.
What do you call an iPhone put into a smoothie maker?--An Apple smoothie.
Have you heard of the man who got all his left side chopped off?
He was all right.
How do you call on a mail man who is carrying rotten fruit?
Come post!
"One silent evening, a man walks to his fridge to get some food. He sets out a fork and napkin on the table. He reaches to grab a salad topped with olives and cheese. He sets the food down on the table and begins to add tomatoes, condiments, and..." He is interrupted. "Why are you saying this aloud?" A young boy asks his father. The father replies with, "You wanted to know how to live on your own, but I guess experience is more helpful," he says as he rushes the child out of the front door.
Kid: What is between mom's legs?
Dad: Paradise.
Kid: What's between your legs?
Dad: The key to paradise.
Kid: Well, you better change the lock, the neighbor has the key to.
