Women jokes

How many white women does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. To hire the Mexicans.

Why can't I touch little old women, but nursing home nurses can?

What's cold, blue and makes women cry?

Cot death.

Q: What are women better than men at doing?

A: Winning arguments.

Q: What are men better than women at doing?

A: Winning swimming titles.

James Bond gives all the ladies he's met the perfect birthday gift: Chlamydia.

NSFW Why can't women ever tell men where the clitoris is?

'Cause it's a place to eat.

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

Surveys show that 80% of women who wear yoga pants never do yoga.

And 100% of men don’t care.

Dark humor and women are very similar...

Not everyone appreciates them, but they both give everyone something to make fun of.

I like my women how I like my golf score: low in the 80s and with a handicap.

What do you call a blank piece of paper?

Women's rights.

Why are Black women dating white men?

So their kids don’t have to worry about not meeting their father.

What do you call a group of transgender women?

X-Men.

At the library, I got in trouble for putting a cooking book in the women's section.

What’s the difference between women and condoms?

There isn’t a difference; they’re both throw aways.

Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.

Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."

Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"

Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."

Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."

What would Hitler be called if he abused women? Hither!

Teacher, there are 3 birds. 1 gets shot. How many are left?

Student, none. They flew off because the shot scared them off.

Teacher, actually 2, but I like the way you think.

5 minutes later

Student, there are 3 women eating ice cream. 1 is licking it, 1 is drinking it melted, and 1 is sucking it. Which one is married?

Teacher, the one sucking it?

Student, no, the one with the ring, but I like the way you think.

An old professor’s class used to begin with a dirty joke.

Following one particularly vulgar joke, the girls in the class decided to walk out the next time he began.

When the professor learned of this planned protest, he came in the next morning and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear about the scarcity of whores in Newfoundland?”

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

“Wait, ladies,” called the professor, “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”

If you see a woman get raped, just walk away. Don't bother helping. They're independent women, after all.