Women Jokes

Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.

Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."

Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"

Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."

Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."

What would Hitler be called if he abused women? Hither!

Teacher, there is 3 birds 1 gets shot how many are left.

Student, non they flew off because the shot scared them off.

Teacher, acautly 2 but i like the way you think.

5 minutes later

Student, there is 3 women eating ice cream 1 licking it 1 drinking it melted and 1 sucking it which one is married.

Teacher,the one sucking it?

Student, no the one with the ring but i like the way you think.

An old professor’s class used to begin with a dirty joke.

Following one particularly vulgar joke, the girls in the class decided to walk out the next time he began.

When the professor learned of this planned protest, he came in the next morning and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear about the scarcity of whores in Newfoundland?”

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

“Wait, ladies,” called the professor, “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”

If you see a woman get raped, just walk away. Don't bother helping. They're iNdePendEnt women after all.

Why?

A man and a woman are lying in bed next to each other. The woman is looking at the man and thinking, "I bet he's thinking about other women." The man is looking up and thinking, "Why is a pizza box a square, the pizza a circle, and the slices are triangles?"

Why do heterosexual men and women that are married in France only perform anilingus on each other in their bedrooms?

Anal sex and oral sex is against the law in France.

Women be like, "Porn is how we get money," then get angry when boys treat women like shit because they seen it on porn.

What do feminists and tampons have in common?

They're both stuck-up cunts.

Why do more men than women support abortion? So they can keep raping women and the victims will just abort their kids to not have to relive the experience!

Why do women always have sex with the lights off?

Because they never like to see a man having a good time.

Boobs are like friends: you have big ones, small ones, real ones, fake ones, but they all get taken out by cancer.

I saw a dad shave his daughter's head because she made fun of a woman with cancer.

Good thing she didn’t make fun of a pregnant woman 🤭

A woman brought her hamster to the vet. The vet takes a look and concludes the hamster died.

The woman doesn't believe it and requests further investigation. So the vet lets in a Labrador. The dog sniffs around the hamster and shortly after he produces a sad whine, shakes his head and leaves the room with his tail low.

The woman, still not convinced, demands more examinations. The vet gets one of his cats. It walks around the hamster and pets it. After some time it shakes her head and runs off quickly.

"Fine, I believe you now," the woman says, "my beloved hamster is dead." "I'm sorry for your loss," the vet replies. "Your bill for this visit will be 1505 dollars," says the vet. "What? 1505 dollars just to tell me my hamster is dead?" The woman says shocked.

The vet replies: "No, 5 dollars to tell your hamster died, 500 dollars for the lab report and 1000 dollars for the CAT scan."